I never had a Bar/Bat Mitzvah

A friend was working on a book about them and asked me to write about what my dream one would have been.

Tricky Language
I’m half Jewish and half Italian, but I can’t remember ever going to any bar or bat mitzvahs. I never even knew whether—as a girl—I would have had a “bar” or “bat” mitzvah. I still don’t know. It’s one of those things where I learn it and relearn it and then freak out about which one it is again every time it comes up. I do the same thing with the pronunciation of bruschetta; Can’t remember if it’s BRU-SHET-AH or BRU-SKET-AH. And same with eggs Florentine (“teen” or “tine”?).

Dream Party Option One
Anyway, if I were to have a b-mitzvah party, it would be awards-ceremony-style. This would be a chance for everyone I know to come together and compete in glamorous surroundings. Winners get awards like: “Best Listener” and “Least Likely to Attend” as well as “Most Glazed Stare” and stuff like that. At the end it turns into an open mic night for aspiring comics.

Option Two: Another Ideal B-mitzvah Party
In a second “envisioning” of my ideal b-mitzvah party, there would be an ice-cream sundae bar as well as a raw bar and dead silence. I would like there to be lots of dead silence, no matter what it took to create this effect. And people eating delicious food in dead silence.

Then there’s this guy in the corner sitting at a metal table dropping pins. It is so quiet that you can hear that, even though there are hundreds of people gathered. Anyone who makes noise will be escorted out of the dining hall. And no smiling. The room is filled with beautiful balloons and ribbons and floral arrangements. Also do not look directly at the guy dropping pins. It takes about five hours and the food is just incredible.

Another Option:
Another option would be that everyone is told to vomit fake blood at the party. Every single person in attendance vomits the blood—except one person who isn't informed. That guy is freaking out.*

But everyone is so happy about my special moment and ceremony, that hardly anything could ruin this day.

*He is the one I will marry.