Rest in Peace

Mitch Hedberg...

So sad.

Sometimes a joke comes easy

Walking along tonite this dude tried to holler at me. He goes: "Wow. Can I be your friend?" My instant inside-my-head unspoken retort was hilarious and it was one of those things where I knew instantly I had just written a golden joke. To hear it, attend the next Variety Shac. Ahahahah! Yeah! It was a commercial. You can't get away from commercials you lousy bitches, I don't care where you go.

P.S. I am really bummed about the perfume scenario. I still can't find one I like and that makes me sad.

P.P.S. One of you fools complained my posts are shorter lately, first off!!!!! Did you read the post about upcoming shows? That wasn't short. It was rather long-and contained a gem of a photo. That html don't come for free, friends, so please don't look a kindly lil gifthorsie in it's mouth. Or the horsie might stampede you into the mud with verbosity! (See: this post).

You know, I work and I work for you people, toiling away in the wee hours, cropping images, dragging them onto my server, coding them so they will appear for your viewing pleasure........but I guess even that isn't enough. Is it? IS IT? You see? Now I'm trying to make this post long just to prove a point. How silly.

Truthfully, I'm avoiding doing my taxes, and also avoiding installing my lacie external drive which has been sitting on my broken glider bench for the past several weeks. "Broken glider bench?" you say, "That doesn't sound right! Not for our glamourous pal Chelsea..." Well guess what, kids. You've got me all wrong. Beneath the glitz and glamour lurks a girl with a broken office chair and broken glider bench.

Which brings to mind a funny story. How do you think each pricey item of furniture came to be broken? Well each one was fucking DESTROYED by a different girlfriend of mine, who sat roughly upon said furniture item and broke it to the point of semi-uselessness. When did this all go down? Who knows. A year? 2? Point is....I have not resolved the issue.

Additionally, when I moved into this 8x10 room I call home, the full-length mirror was partially shattered. Ask me how it looks today: partially shattered.

What have I done here friends?

A lengthy post.

Now remember, length is not always synonymous with quality, but HEY, GIVE EM WHAT THEY WANT...

Style watch!

My blog got really casual just then (post below).

I AM WHATEVER YOU SAY I AM, IF I WASN'T THEN WHY WOULD I SAY I AM?

Never a huge eminem fanatic, but this lyric has been stuck in my head all day. No idea why. And I'm loving it.

Mizz Michelle Collins

Many things in the works with Ms. Michelle Collins of You Can't Make It Up.

Including.......A LIVE SHOW AT THE SOHO APPLE STORE's THEATER! This show is our precious little baby and is named: **iheartinternet**. (May 11th, 6:30-8PM)

Here's Michelle as we split a white pizza with thinly sliced yukon gold potatoes and truffle oil at Five Points.



It was delicious.



Another show we are working on putting together will premiere soon also: This'N'More at Juvie Hall. (April 29, May 13, 8PM)

Both shows will inevitably focus unhealthily on the internet and both will be hilarious, rollicking good times. How could they not? We're both Barnard alums and Barnard is the Alma Mater of one of my favorite ladies....no, not Martha Stewart....but one Ms.......evil.....old...................................Joan.....Rivers....!!!!

(Pictured below with fellow alum, Jim Norton.)


More show info: ChelseaPeretti.com/Events

Shitting Pretty

Sigh. You know, sometimes you have an idea you think is original, you google...and you find out just how original you are...don't look out for my new book, people online, because I'm not writing it...and no, I'm not even going to do about post about how I was going to write it, as initially planned. And no, no photoshopping to accompany it. The whole thing is dead in the water (reference to shit intended).

(Glumly) Thanks, google.

What's a good perfume?

I'm looking for a new one. Went to Sephora and couldn't see straight after about 80 minutes of spritzing around onto paper tabs. Anyone have a recommendation? Nothing too sweet and nothing too rosey or citrusy. I hate citrus.

Who does YAHOO searches???

Who does Yahoo searches? Who does Yahoo searches?!! I don't get it. Why would you?

Windowdresser: you got me right where you want me.

As a person with occasional antisocial urges...

I often think about new directions my blog could go, that would alienate my meager audience of loyals...

POSSIBLE WAYS TO RAMP UP THE ALIENATION FACTOR ON CHELSEAPERETTI.BLOGSPOT.COM:

1.) All CNN homepage recaps, all the time.
2.) All future posts in the 3rd person (ala: "but what does Chelsea think of the Pat O'Brien vms...").
3.) Schiavo, Schiavo, Schiavo. Debatin' it out with myself.
4.) Discussion of frequent flyer miles.
5.) Lots of posts on what a special woman I am becoming.
6.) Poems to my father.
7.) Salad crit 24-7: "Just a girl in the big city complaining about salad."
8.) Video messages urging you to cease all visitation.

TBC

Joe Lario

Here's an old friend's blog. I think he should keep the blog going--don't you? It's entertaining. Nice short posts. Weird topics. Funny captions. Come on, Joe!

A video message from the blogger...

VIDEO MESSAGE #1:



And, in answer to the question "What are beds?" enter message 2.

VIDEO MESSAGE #2:

Hey Hey, Ho Ho

Asymmetrical shirts have got to go!

Hey hey ho ho!!

Also bring back big chunky shoes with thick soles so I can be tall again.

Thanks in advance!

Hola todos!

Quiero practicar el espanol! Hoy es viernes y tengo mucho que hacer. Es un dia caotica! Tengo mucho sueno. Por eso, creo que tomare un taxi a mi primer destinacion hoy. Es un poquito estupido porque gasto demasiado dinero en esas cosas todos los dias--y no es necesario. Pero eso es la Nueva York! Ja ja ja ja!!! Todos se gastan dinero a la izquierda, y a la derecha! (No se si eso se traduce--quizas es idiomatica).

Quiero un te verde y algo mas para mi desayuna. Has bebido un te blanco? Debes! Manana es sabado. Tu eres especial!

Ahora, estoy escuchando Prince. Me gusta mucho el CD. No quiero hacer NADA hoy, pero ya me voy. (No soy una nina y necesito hacer las cosas que hacen la gente. Desafortunadamente, la juventud ya se termino.)

Adios! Hasta pronto.

Te quiero...................te quiero.................xoxoxoxox,
Chelsea

But what does Chelsea think of the Pat O'Brien voicemails?

She LOVES them. Patty-O!

(If you haven't heard this is the guy who used to host Entertainment Tonight and Access Hollywood and he left a gagillion dirty vms on some lady's cellphone while dining with her and another female that he was seeing. She promptly assembled them all together and threw them online. Thanks, ladyfriend!)

This audio really makes the stilted speech and vacant smiles of Entertainment Tonight all turn out to have been worth it in the end.

It's like a joke that took years to set up finally came together with a killer punchline.

Pete Miser

The videos on this guy's site are real....mm...crush inducing. We choose to ignore the Ho-made Productions label. Watch the toothbrush one. I like how you spin your head around, Petey.

HOLY SHIT

HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN THIS??? "Once Adored". Rosie O'Donnell's blog....!!

WTF?? And it's a dot blogspot! Not even custom done.

UPDATE: No, it's not a hoax. It's on her official site. Reminds one of Hallewood in some abstract, core way, no?

Ever wanted to punch a product in the face until it spat blood?

[That's it. Look up to me. Courvoisier. Earn it.]


[You wish. Courvoisier. Earn it.]





Less violently obnoxious, more sad: Stoli...

Complaint Log

Raining. Underslept and exhausted. Headache.

Tracy Bonham

What do you all think of Tracy Bonham? I have no idea how, but long ago I acquired her album Burdens of Being Upright. It's fun to sing along to. Her bio seems a little sad.

Trust me on this.

FITS LIKE A GLOVE...

Lords and Ladies,

I have just popped in my new Prince CD: Prince The Hits Volume 1, a CD I ever so meekly requested on my humble AMAZON WISHLIST. Thanks to one of Australia's finest, the dangerous Ms. Fits...I now own it.

When Doves Cry is the first song out of the stable.............

(Sits back, lights cigarette, kicks stiletto heels up on desk.)

Next: Pop Life.

(Puts on red lipstick, dances in bustier in mirror, plays peek-a-boo with self with some trashy magazine, causing self to giggle and throw head back and shake out hair.)

Etc. ETC. ETC!

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH FURTHER I'VE TAKEN THIS. Just know I wrote up to track 13 (each parenthetical description increasing exponentially in length) before deciding what I was writing was wholly innapropriate for my blog. Also know that track 14 sucks. I completely lost my fantasy erotic music video boner for myself on that one. Thank g-d for track 15 coming in on it's heels, and 16, 17, 18.

(BTW, for the record, track 12 is the intoxicating Adore.)

Upstate Meat

This past weekend I enjoyed a relaxing drive upstate with pal Bobby T. We broke into Miles' home and then made yummy burgers! Well, actually Miles first undercooked them, but once we sliced em open and threw them back on for a bit--they were perfect! This infuriated Miles (as he felt they were perfect on the first go). It's hard for some people to cut their losses and move on.


"NOW this burger is done!"


It was perfectly fine the first time!


I'm going in for it.


Holy lord am I going in for it. I got my chompers all ready to roll.

Note: We had a wine that night, a cheap wine Bobby had bought at his local bodega. It was a Fisheye Cabernet, 2002. It was so good tasting to me (sort of a cinnamon / sage finish ?) that I hunted around for it at 3 different wine shops in my area, and I never really buy bottles of wine for my home. No one had it. Have any of you all ever heard of this wine? Is it supposed to be crappy? It just seemed so unique and good. I never usually order cabernet either.

SPRING BREAK SHARK ATTACK

John Kim shines in this exceptional post wherein he recaps made-for-tv-movie: Spring Break Shark Attack. I gotta say I enjoyed every word. To me, this is John Kim in all his glory.

Those who know me know I'm obsessed with made-for-movie-theatres film JOHNNY MNEMONIC. I screened many choice segments of it in my show Floating Palace (a show to be resurrected in some form, someday) and love it deeply...deeply.

There's always a bit of lame irony in liking shitty things, but there's also something very real there.

*********************
I'm not sure if this is related, but I legitimately cried during Short Circuit 2 and Glitter.

Be forewarned

When you kill someone and dump the body in your trunk, DO NOT also duct tape the trunk shut for extra safekeeping.



It turns out this actually tips off the cops to something being in the trunk.

Tchaiko Omawale's Film Event Tuesday the 22nd @ Remote Lounge

Come celebrate Tchaiko's futuristic fairy film *SITA*:



9PM
327 Bowery (at e. 3rd st), $7

Books Ex-Boyfriends Have Liked That I Didn't Like

Slaughterhouse 5, Kurt Vonnegut

Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, James Joyce

JASON LAM

Jason Lam is an honorary member of the Variety Shac players troupe. Aside from the best head of hair in town--he also happens to have a little livejournal action going on.

We messed with the Variety Shac site for a few hours last night, so you'll notice some incredible updates have taken place--all while you were out partying and doing whatever it is you all do.

Two killer Track 12s

Herbert- Bodily Functions "I Miss You"
Amy Miles- Noble Hatch "Now That You Left Me"

I began to wonder: Are there other good track 12s? Update to follow.

UPDATE:
Pharcyde- Bizarre Ride "Passing Me By"
Sly and the Family Stone- Greatest Hits "Thank You Falettinme Be Mice Elf Again"

Other than that, the thesis just isn't holding water.

THANK YOU * THANK YOU * THANK YOU

For the gifts off of my wishlist! It's an exciting new online addiction.

My promise to you: I'll make an effort to continue to maintain this exceptionally high-caliber content. I hereby vow to continue to be one of the most outstanding destinations on the web.

Hey

I'd like to say "thank you" to all the people who called me before 10AM today! You're on your toes and you know my schedule, my friends!

I thank you for checking in. Great timing.

In collection, you've all set a new record. 4 calls before 10AM! Way to get in there!
BE AGGRESSIVE!
BE, BE, AGGRESSIVE!

Fantastic stuff!

You hit the nail on the head in terms of how I like to live my life and all my preferences.

THE TONY DANZA SHOW

WATCHING TONY DANZA--HE IS CHARMING MY DAMN SOCKS OFF.

He made the funniest sound after showing a clip of "Racing Stripes" it was hilarious. Wish you all could be here.

This man sat in front of me in an audience.

Are you KIDDING ME???


I mean can you BELIEVE it?


This is unreal.

What do these words all have in common?

...trumpet, tantrum, cigarette, transit, triplets, trite, trout, trinket, trot, letter, fratty, rattle, relevant, rattle...

Sarah Jessica Parker backlash.

John has a little outburst on SJP. I guess he needed a T.O. from reporting on crapping behaviors at his office.

A Million Little Pieces

Last night, as you may or may not have noticed, instead of blogging I finished James' Frey's book. It was a book I tore through and all I can say is read it.

(Yes, I've heard he can be a dick or something in interviews but I really don't give a shit. The book is good and that's it.)

Do you suffer from Pathological Computer Use?

Love my blog?

Thank me with a gift. That's right, my wishlist is up.

My mom had suggested I do this years ago, internet addict that she is, and charitable gift-giver that she is. And now look! Done!

Additionally, someday I will maybe do Fresh Direct as per her suggestion (if they still do $50 free), and book one of those Jetblue NY/CA flight deals, and do my frequent flier miles, and swear less.

Eh, fuck it. But the wishlist is up.

Thanks in advance for all these riches.

I never had a Bar/Bat Mitzvah

A friend was working on a book about them and asked me to write about what my dream one would have been.

Tricky Language
I’m half Jewish and half Italian, but I can’t remember ever going to any bar or bat mitzvahs. I never even knew whether—as a girl—I would have had a “bar” or “bat” mitzvah. I still don’t know. It’s one of those things where I learn it and relearn it and then freak out about which one it is again every time it comes up. I do the same thing with the pronunciation of bruschetta; Can’t remember if it’s BRU-SHET-AH or BRU-SKET-AH. And same with eggs Florentine (“teen” or “tine”?).

Dream Party Option One
Anyway, if I were to have a b-mitzvah party, it would be awards-ceremony-style. This would be a chance for everyone I know to come together and compete in glamorous surroundings. Winners get awards like: “Best Listener” and “Least Likely to Attend” as well as “Most Glazed Stare” and stuff like that. At the end it turns into an open mic night for aspiring comics.

Option Two: Another Ideal B-mitzvah Party
In a second “envisioning” of my ideal b-mitzvah party, there would be an ice-cream sundae bar as well as a raw bar and dead silence. I would like there to be lots of dead silence, no matter what it took to create this effect. And people eating delicious food in dead silence.

Then there’s this guy in the corner sitting at a metal table dropping pins. It is so quiet that you can hear that, even though there are hundreds of people gathered. Anyone who makes noise will be escorted out of the dining hall. And no smiling. The room is filled with beautiful balloons and ribbons and floral arrangements. Also do not look directly at the guy dropping pins. It takes about five hours and the food is just incredible.

Another Option:
Another option would be that everyone is told to vomit fake blood at the party. Every single person in attendance vomits the blood—except one person who isn't informed. That guy is freaking out.*

But everyone is so happy about my special moment and ceremony, that hardly anything could ruin this day.

*He is the one I will marry.

Hair's the deal:

Blah blah blah blah!

Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah: blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blahBlah blah blah blahBlah blah blah blahBlah blah blah blahBlah blah blah blahBlah blah blah blahBlah blah blah blahBlah blah blah blahBlah blah blah blahBlah blah blah blahBlah blah blah blahBlah blah blah blahBlah blah blah blahBlah blah blah blahBlah blah blah blahBlah blah blah blahBlah blah blah blahBlah blah blah blahBlah blah blah blahBlah blah blah blahBlah blah blah blah...Blah. Blah blah. Blahhaahahah!

A surprisingly good brunch...

(Roasted fennel and asiago omlette with arugula.)

TAXES

Have you done them yet? Your answers will directly affect the level of panic I feel.

JACKIE BEAT FUCKING RULES

Just got back from her show! TWO STANDING OVATIONS. My face hurts from laughing. Smart as a whip.


Comedy gold!


My hero! (I look like a frightened Dane with a stray eye.)

I'm telling you: non-stop talent. This is what a fucking show is supposed to be. Shock, awe, and an aching jaw---JACKIE BEAT.

[UPDATE: Last show TONITE, Monday the 14th @ FEZ, 380 Lafayette St., $18, (212) 533-2680 or ticketweb.com.]

Johnny Cash video

You all know I'm out of touch.

But dear Jimmy Norton just im'd me this video of HURT which I think is amazing.

Rest in peace genius man...

I compared it with the Fatlip video "What's up Fatlip" which I believe he balked at (perhaps justly) but it's always hard to completely get tone over IM so I'm not positive if he was balking or curious and inquisitive when he asked: "What connects them? Imagery?" And then I said: "Content." To which he replied "What do you mean?" and we went on from there. Lotta crossed wires on the old IM, huh, guys? Hahaahahah. Don't you KNOW it! You're all fired.

iPods and Personal Space

I hate how ipodestrians navigate the streets. They have no concept of personal space. They don't hear the harried footfall behind them, the crazy person shouting that you're trying to avoid while they iplod along in a straight line, blocking your path, etc.

"iPodon me, sir, could you move out of my fucking way? I know you're jamming out to Yo La Tengo, but could you maybe intermittantly check in to your surroundings?"

Amy Miles

Has one of my favorite songs ever on her new CD: NOBLE HATCH. It's track 12, "now that you left me."

Went to her CD release party last night, love watching her perform. Plus we had oysters and champagne cocktails Wednesday and once you do like that there's no turning back.

Now the light is off
I'm laying here in space
thinking of the world
that you erased
...

Will I hit the deck
or will I run in place
with the target fixed
perfectly in frame

In her tweensong babble she went on and on about her confusion over Cher's "Dark Lady."

MECCA TO HOBOKEN FOR ITALIAN TUNA SANDWICH FROM FIORE'S

Fellow blogger Adam Wade is obsessed with a particular Hobokian sandwich.

He blogs about it constantly: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Well, you know me, I love a good food insight. Thus: I'm newly returned from a tasting quest.

Here's the seating arrangement in the Wade basemental abode:

(Wade's the Dr. Pepp and I'm the Coke.)

WE WERE READY TO ROLL! And, I gotta tell you...

The Italian Tuna sandwich with Mozz lives up to the hype----TIMES 10,000!





Look how shocked I am by the incredible goodness (even in SPITE of the legend):


Here's Wade (with his new Brita. Prior to this he would go to the store for "jugs" of water regularly.)

W E L C O M E T O T H E Y E A R 2 0 0 5 !

Yes, we did film this, so foodies (and huge fans of our respective work) look for it online soon!

Next up:
Wade to try Carbonara.
Chelsea to Diana's!

FOOD BUDZ 4 LIFE!

Chupa the long-haired Chihuahua visited work the other day...

an old friend and a soft-furred blast from the past:

When sushi's that good--you GOTTA go back for more!

With your favorite dining partner!


Angelic smile...*





*Deceptive.

Another relaxing meal

Here's old high school buddy ILAN

on a visit to NY a bit ago. Ilan is one of the funniest people I know and not a comic.



We'll be attending a wedding in Maine this summer, along with with several of my most favorite obnoxious friends.

We've already prepared chants, toasts, speeches (25-40 minute zone), and p-r-a-n-k-s.

CONGRATS TO MR. PAUL FREEDMAN!

We'll always have the memories...

This photo is dedicated to my hat...

Shhhh!

It's not spring yet.

But my new curtains don't know that.....

Snow Crash

Haven't moved beyond 2nd chapter. It's collecting guilt dust on my bookshelf. Sorry Neal Stephenson. Page 22.

Even worse, I'm on page 99 of Haruki Murakami's Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World and can't seem to pick it back up.

On deck: Bobby recommended and lent A Million Little Pieces.

Also on deck:
Murakami's Kafka on the Shore.
Vintage Murakami.
Bunch of screenplays (undisclosed!).
Coal Miner's Daughter.
Final Cut Pro for Dummys.

I'm midway through the script for Almost Famous. Never saw it, somehow got the script somewhere free.

Voot! Voot!

I enjoyed this bit of silliness at work today MAYBE YOU WOULD TOO?

Fun sketch last night

I had a great time at Bobby and Eugene's show last night, performing an "old classic" with Craig and Bobby...a sketch by the name of "MANSPRAY"...

Here we all are, years ago, engaged in a different comedic bit--this one involving chicken nuggets!

Kenyatta takes it there!

Mr. Kenyatta Cheese takes the insanity to a new place.

A crazier place than this one. It's a place, as he notes and (as I would have noted about 300 times in college) that's very meta. A blog about the blog about my blog.

Distribution of shelving and space in my apt.

My rm, the gal I live with, is generally quite sweet. We're not close, but we're always happy to chit-chat about the weather before beelining for our rooms and quietly shutting the doors. (I say this in jest though, bc I do prefer a pretty hands-off living arrangement. Unless it's a bf, in which case--hands on, hands ON! AhahahahhHAHAHA!)

Anyhow, here's it is--the distribution of the physical space in our home:

Red: the RM
Blue: CP

Starts off okay. Sure. Dishware. Pretty even chunks of space here.


The fridge top is all hers. As is the entire cabinet in the background.


Her sill in the bathroom. (Only sill in the bathroom.)


You starting to see?


Wow.


Salt and seasonings section for CP.


Yes, my toaster, my olive oil. But what gets me is her laundry wicker in the kitchen! I didn't notice that until recently when she was like dumping some dirty clothes while I was sipping tea at our mineature table. I almost spat! Do you know how much space my laundry takes up in my room?? A wicker basket's full!


Now this is another big sore point. The decorative display of trinkets!


PS I've always got an eye open for a room to rent: I'm real easygoing, respect your privacy, let me know if you hear of anything!