Song about how long it feels to watch the movie Rent.

525,600 minutes.

New bit I'm working on about motorcyles:

Need a website?

I CANNOT VOUCH FOR THIS DESIGNER, BUT MAYBE THE STICKER SPEAKS FOR ITSELF???

Mint Oreos

I have created a song called "What Are You Doing to Me." In this case it addresses Mint Oreo cookies and the cookie company that makes them. But it can (and will in the future) also be applied to other companys, such as "telephone company" or "fro-yo company" or "transportation company" if I'm having an intense day with the MTA.

"What are you doing to me?"

(Click for music video.)

Thanks to MTV for making this happen.

A GOODLY MORNING TO YOU

I wish I could be up to greet you. Alas...I leave only a beautiful song in my stead:

"The Best Part of Waking Up."

Did you know I wrote that jingle? I did and in doing so put Folgers on the map.

Cut them off at the chase.

"That's bad Karma, and I do mean the Western understanding of what Karma is and how it 'works.' "

In answer to Borat, wounded Kazakhstan runs 4 page ad in NYT!

I love that this article says this: "Many suspect Borat is actually comic Sacha Baron Cohen, also accused of playing Ali G.". Way to be earnest, article!

Hahahaaa...Borat's video response on his website:

"I like to state I have no connection with Mr. Cohen and fully support my government's decision to sue this Jew.

"Since the 2003 reforms, Kazakhstan is as civilized as any other country in the world. Women can now travel on inside of bus, homosexuals no longer have to wear blue hats and age of consent has been raised to 8 years old.

"Please, I invite you to come to Kazakhstan, where we have incredible natural resources, hard-working labor and some of the cleanest prostitutes in all of central Asia. Goodbye."

[Via HuffPo]

Fatlip

New writing anthem: "Writer's Block."

[Seen on Justin Parnell's thingy]

Crash Test tonite, 11pm

Rob Huebel hosts.

Chelsea Peretti
Eugene Mirman
Andy Blitz
&
Brian Huskey.

Check out how their webmaster spelled my name and get more info, here.

Brian Huskey did Monster in a Wheelchair which I always thought was real funny. Maybe you will too!?!?!?!!?!?!!?!?!!?!!?!

This NYPD recruitment ad does sort of make me want to be a cop!

Because it reminds me that I'm a big fat white guy and that fighting crime is like getting comps to a Broadway show.

I like this tincy clip

Because this type of thinking comprises 60-90% of my brainspace at any given time.

The Craziest Part of Thanksgiving Dinner

Was that I broke a plate on a little girl's head on accident.

Here's the girl:



Here's the plate:



Here's the minor finger injury I sustained (thankfully, she was fine):



I will probably talk about this onstage, so I'll keep the details spare here. Guess it's time to catch a show. Well. Well. Well. You've been caught. You're now trapped into coming to a live stageshow, all just because you hate children.


See? She was fine! Even though she was a little "spaced out" to where she couldn't articulate any thoughts or emotions she seemed fine. Most importantly, we're still friends!

In the above photo, note that my thumb has been bandaged. But what's up with my "say hello" finger? It has tape wrapped around it, to hold the nailbed together. The nail was shaved in two when I was grating potatoes for the mashed potatoes I was asked to bring along.

Thanksgiving Dinner Photos

"Dooooooooogs...dessert tiiiimme!!!!"






For no reason, dessert was fed to the dogs.

Busted: for canned link distribution!

(click in)

Insider Tea Tip: STASH IT AWAY!

Stash Lemon Ginger tea is real good. Just tried it. New tea. Or as a witch might say: "Newty!"

Keeping Warm

Last night I resorted to blowdryering my sheets and blankets prior to bedding down.

This is one of the many Dignity Building Excercises that, woven together, make up the beautiful patchwork quilt of my dignity.

This R Kelly-based show looks awesome

Fri, Dec. 2 at midnight, UCB.

You may remember my obsession with Mr. R Kelly's theatrical stylings...in fact, I am proud to be a top search result for "Chuck Rufus."

R. Kellylylylylylylylyyly what are you all about?

Holy shit yes

Yes.

This is what I look like when I wake up

[Via JK]

Too Late

Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time
There's something wrong here
There can be no denying
One of us is changing
Or maybe we've just stopped trying
And it's too late baby, now it's too late
Though we really did try to make it
Something inside has died and I can't hide
And I just can't fake it
It used to be so easy living here with you
You were light and breezy
And I knew just what to do
Now you look so unhappy
And I feel like a fool
And it's too late baby, now it's too late
Though we really did try to make it
Something inside has died
and I can't hide it
And I just can't fake it
There'll be good times again for me and you
But we just can't stay together
Don't you feel it too
Still I'm glad for what we had
And how I once loved you
And it's too late baby, now it's too late
Though we really did try to make it
Something inside has died and
I can't hide it I just can't fake it
Don't you know that I...
I just can't fake it
Oh it's too late my baby
Too late my baby
You know
It's too late my baby

Autobiography and unauthorized biography titles

(Most of the time, these would have the subtitle: The Chelsea Peretti Story)

Other titles:
Peretti Please?
Peretti Good So Far!
Peretti Unconvincing

Still other titles would be uplifting or gritty phrases that have zero Peretti wordplay in them whatsoever, ie, Waiting on the C: The Chelsea Peretti Story.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, EJIKE!!!!!!!!

In lieu of the traditional jingle, here's a song for you.

Look forward to celebrating.

HATS OFF!!!

To:

Annie's Organic Shells and White Cheddar Macaroni & Cheese!

Annie!

You done it! I used the plain yogurt mod and I fell in love, Annie.

Annie...the crazy part is that I am typing this with a hat on hahahahaha but you get the gist, right old girl? Hey, loving your mac!

Escape attempts seem pretty funny

Whether they are glitchy or perfect.

TIP: Increase Steam Heat Efficiency

(From Reader's Digest Complete DIY Manual)

Increase radiator efficiency by sliding reflector between it and outside wall to reflect heat back into room and keep it from being lost to outside wall. You can buy insulated reflectors or make them with corrugated cardboard and aluminum foil.

My landlady: "Argh! Foiled again!"

Thing to say at work:

"You might want to read this doc over. I was so blinded by rage when I put it together, there could be typos."

Silly String

Silly string is prohibited at the UCB theater but we didn't know and used it extensively in our Noontime Bell Celebration. The people who helped us out who work there were furious we had used silly string and kept being real vocal about it...which was a little funny since it's called "silly string." I wanted to write them long dramatic apologies about silly string and our use of it. 10-12 page letters, steeped in regrets. Also thought it would be good if the UCB posted severe, prohibitive signs about silly string. Then I found this prize flickr pic (with relevant comments on the topic)...

Wake Up Screaming with Laughter, UCB: a few pix

Bobby Lively!



Sam Dead!



Brett and Chel Chelsea it up after the show!


I always try to match my eyes to my pants. Most people do that with shirts but to me it's corny and obvious. Do it to your pants and people won't ever suspect it was deliberate. Then you're always trying to persuade people to attend yoga classes with you. Or sitting by the fire with your arms curled around your bent knees and your chin resting atop them. Oopsie! Perfect match.

More post-show brunch pix here and here...etc. [Thanks 2 JL]

First Tiger Balm Experience: HAD!

Incidentally, my father always describes weather he likes as "balmy" and food he likes as having "good flavor." It's the intensity with which he uses these rather basic words that amuses me. I use words like "rather" and "amuses."

I'm not certain but I'm pretty sure

this construction worker today said "Oo, beautiful.......nice cut of pants" to me.

They weren't tight pants, which I think is relevant.

Where do I get my bulletpoints.

A lot of you have written in asking me where do I get my bulletpoints. ••••• Such as the ones used in the previous post.

•The answer is: off of the cnn.com website.
•Is that copywright infringement?
•I don't know.
•But I definitely copy the bulletpoints off of there every time I want to use them, because I don't know the html for it.
•I would possibly know more about the moral rammifications of this if someone bought me Lessig's book off my wishlist.
•Thanks.
•You're a great gang of readers.
•How's being part of a readership going?
•Cool.
•Things are good here on this end too.
•Enjoying it.
•Cooled on the blog for a few days (certain grumblings were duly noted in my Dule Notebook) but now I feel a bit reinvigorated to blogging.
•Hope you'll enjoy that.
•Wishlist is on the sidebar.
•Feel dirty linking it here for some reason, though it's never stopped me in the past.
•GayGuySF the Lucinda Williams CD never got to me. I had the wrong address on my wishlist.
•I Like Aveeno facesoap and scrub. Try it! It's Johnson&Johnson!
•This was all a paid commercial for Johnson&Johnson--my favorite name in household products!
•Thanks to CNN!

"But don't tell anyone, okay?"

"Who would I tell?"

Here's an articulated answer to that bullshitass question. Print and distribute in context.

You would tell:
•A bunch of our mutual friends who would be interested in this because they know both of us.
•Your significant other.
•A family member.
•Your closest friend(s).
•A neighbor after a bit of wine.
•An entire table of old friends at an intimate dinner party.
•Someone on your Jetblue flight who you think is definitely not connected to the story in any way.
•Service industry peeps: Therapist, Hairdresser, Bartender, Priest.

So. Don't tell those people or anyone else that seems like a fair exception to "Don't tell anyone."

Fine. This is a "knock on wood" post.

From my little best friend overseas in Rome:

"I think you should do a knock on wood post to counter the morbid post SUBITO PRESTO"

Done.

What if I died and this was the last image I ever posted?

I'm freaking myself out!!!! Thank g-d it's 10:45am or I'd be triple-freakin!!!

This Saturday, 11am UPRIGHT CITIZENS BRIGADE THEATER.

WAKE UP SCREAMING WITH LAUGHTER--a live morning show


Hosted by Bobby Tisdale and Chelsea Peretti

With:
Andrea Rosen
Brett Gelman
&
The Whitest Kids You Know

Morning jingles! Alarm clock testing! Interviews! The Getting Dressed Song! A noontime bell!

**free mimosas**

UCB
307 W. 26th St.
$8

NOTE: We are proud to offer courtesy wake-up calls. If you would like to receive a wake up call prior to the 11am show, email wakeupcourtesycall@gmail.com. Comedian John Mulaney will call you in the voice of one of three characters: 1.) Gus, 2.) Donald Trump, 3.) Fontaine. In your email please specify: your name, the time range in which you need to receive the call, and your preferred character (Gus, Trump, Fontaine).

(Don't try to call him back or trace his call in any way, he'll be calling from a payphone.)

(Also, if you know John, please don't address him personally while he is doing his Character Work.)

Dear Cottonelle with Ripples

Puppies and snow? Was there a gas leak in the think tank?

Also: ripples. Your ripples faq isn't really answering any of my questions about ripples.

Happy Monday, gang of winners!

You are special people: gifted and inquisitive, bright and "with it"!!!!!

Tonight 8pm

I'm doing standup at Whitest Kids You Know show @ Pianos.

See sidebar for link to them, gotta head out.

Bobby hosts.

-C

Lyric Alert!

"Got a bill in my mouth like I'm Hillary Rodham"

Your references speak very highly of you.

You can have no idea how happy it makes me that someone is googling the incorrect lyrics "I just call to say I love you."

Cory is awesome.

Buy his art.

MySpace

You know what's retarded on MySpace? The apparent tradition of lame comments thanking someone for "the add" when someone adds you.

Simulation of MySpace comments:

"THANX 4 THA ADD!"
"Hey u...thanks fer the add ;)"
"Ur awesum! Thanks for the add!!!!!"
"THANK YOU FOR THE ADD!"
"Thannky four the ad!!!"
"Tank Ou For De Add!"
"Thanks for adding me man! Nice!"
"Thanks for the add this has been awesome to have been added!"
"Way to add me!"
"You rawk 4 addin' me!"
"IOU 4 the add!"
"Yo, you added me yo!"
"GRACIAS POR EL 'ADD' "
"Whoah! You added me! Awesome!"
"Way to go for it on adding me! You added me!"
"Black adder!"
"U ADDED ME, Yayayayayayay!"
"It's been a while thanks for the add;))))"
"Yer cute and you have added me!"
"I'm your friend now on my space--it's because you added me!"
"ADD!"

Email policy

I have a strict Open All Attachments policy when it comes to email. I won't budge on it: "Listen, my policy is to open all attachments, no holds barred" I say to myself repeatedly when I become frustrated with my silly and dangerous behavior.

Do these look like spam names to you?



Doesn't matter. I will open them regardless.



Policy.

I WANT ANYTHING TEAK!!

Teak is a silly word to be emphatic about! Teak! Teak! TEEEEEAK!

Phone phound!!!!

I repeat: phone. is. found!

"Vibrate, Vibrate"

"Hello?"

"This isn't your phone."

"Oh. It sounded like it."

"Yeah, but I'm not. I'm just the vibration of a bus passing the place you're eating a slice of pizza."

"Oh. You reminded me of my phone that I used to have when I used to put it on vibrate."

"Yeah. Well. No."


...TBC...

Anyone else lost a phone recently?

I did!

I'm thinking of throwing a Lost Cellphone party. If you've lost a cellphone in the last year, you're pretty much invited. It's gonna be madness! What we'll do is dance to songs that have any words about phones in them ("Mr telephone maaan..."), or any themes of loss and especially songs that have both telephonic and loss themes!!!! That's what we'll be calling a "double whammy" at this nutso Lost Cellphone party which will be a blast and immensely cathartic for the 5 or so of you who arrive. We're gonna do a lot of hand holding and hugs too so bring your game face!

The thing is the party has been cancelled and instead I'm going to order a red velvet cake and eat it by myself, entirely incommunicado, burrowed in my Fort Greene home. Bread Stuy is where I will get it because they make the best red velvet cake in the world.

Also: someone order me a neighborhoody that says "I lost my cellphone." My identity is forever changed. Fuck it. I'm not replacing it.

Get me an "I lost my cellphone" pantsuit too that says "I lost my cellphone" down each of the legs.

What kind of sidekick like thing does sprint offer this may be the only way to turn this around.

"RING, RING"

"Hello? Who's this?"

"Your phone!"

"Really?"

"No. I've been stolen."

I can't remember if I mentioned this

but my phone is gone. I miss it.

Don't text me

If you are a friend don't text me. My phone is in a stranger's hands...

Went dancing :)

Lost phone :(

Pray. 4. Me.

Designer collections: for all the sides of you

Note: all sides not shown

Voter guide

Here, NYC.
(Thanks 2 AMB)

Wanted: Shooter/Editor

For some short, simple video bits for show on 19th with Bobby T.

If you are interested or know someone who would be, please send an email to perettiblog (at) gmail.com.

Thanks.

Comedian TODD BARRY

has a newly revamped website up! New receipt museum, a page of "Great Todd Barry Quotes", etc.

I have never been more sore--shout out to squash! Full body!

Chinaaaa

My boy JK has returned from China and is posting good pics of Chinese food and sights.

I enjoyed this anecdote:

"mr. cheebz teaches conversational english to business grad students at peking university...the whole class is basically a q&a. best q: "i think i speak on behalf of the whole class when i ask this: have you ever been to disney world and what was it like?" everyone nodded in agreement."

Urinal

(Thanks 2 J)

I'm almost always down

for an amuse-bouche.

(Thanks 2 M)

Squash that shit!

I played squash last night and boy are my arms and legs and glutes tired! But my spirit is high! SPIRIT IS HIGH! Squash is the best thing that has ever happened to me last night! I HEART SQUASH. I kicked ass!

Well technically I lost every match (prob about 20) but I felt and behaved like a winner! After every lost point I cheered myself and jumped around! I held a single finger in my amicable opponents face "Number oooone!" and ran several victory laps around him, shoes a-squeakin.'

If winning is a state of mind, I live in Brooklyn, Winning.

Space Heater

Big news, gang of losers! I'm going to get a space heater.

I was pleased with this amazon reviewers' logic on the safety features of the Vornado EH1-0028-06 Digital Vortex Heater, DVH EH100280-06 in that it was relatable and useful information for rescued bird owners iso space heat.


Click in to enlarge

I am proud to be a part of the amazon reviewers community and am certainly proud of my ranking (1081121).

If you have any space heater insights and suggestions and are looking to decimate a couple minutes of your day, please let me know what you know on the topic, either via my gmail (sidebar) or comments (below, all you have to do is click comments and then type in your comment).

Comments: enjoy them while you can, they're not going to be around forever.

Kelis does it again

Intimidating...? Don't be a pussy.

[Via zach dead, Idleatwork]

New Shac Short is UP

S e r v e r ~ i s s u e s ~ r e s o l v e d . . . e n j o y :

Thirty-four Fourteen





========================

BONUS PIC!!

Here's EK editing in his puff coat!

Thank You in Advance

I don't usually send thank you cards, but I do tend to send out a fair number of "Thank You in Advance" cards.

Success has maaany fathers, but failure is a bastard.

I need my space...

I finally gave in and created a myspace profile. Who was the inviter who got me at last? My brother, JP, who cited his own involvement as "as experiment." Sure, and I'm doing an "experiment" with blogger. Hahahaa--gotchu brother!

Here's my account http://www.myspace.com/chelseaperetti. If you're on myspace, feel free to hit me up!

I'm going to tell you up front: I put "no answer" for the Children category of my profile.



Lord only knows if there were an "ambivalent parent" category I would've checked it. Sorry, kiddo! I do sort of love you...

Hey Evans!

I love rollovers...

and animated gifs!

~Thanks 2 M~

Woke up missing a particular hat today.

You remember...

Anyone notice

how my wishlist has gotten out of hand as of late? I've decided to really treat it like a place to 1. be a girl and 2. dream.

!!UPDATE!!
I've had roughly 1,000 (1-2 thousand probably) people write in to ask what my favorite favorite items on there are. Hm. Right now? I'd have to go with the Fatlip CD and the marshmellow vanishing cream. BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T WANT THAT 500 HUNDRED DOLLAR AREA RUG! Or the Lessig book. Or the Dior eyeshadow. Yes, I want both a Lawrence Lessig book and some Dior eyeshadow. What a fascinating creature. Someday I have g-o-t to get to know me better.

Brilliant solution to a made-up problem!

Portable Light Therapy Visor
(aka Dignity Prevention Device)

"Bright-light therapy has been shown to be effective treatment for the more than 70 million North Americans who suffer from seasonal depression ("winter blues")."

Other possible solutions include:
• Extensive therapy
• Travel to a warmer climate
• Getting "a grip"

...BUT OTHER SOLUTIONS DON'T LOOK SO COOL!

*Variety*Shac*

THE ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY SHOW
t o n i g h t @ 8 : 3 0



Andrea Rosen
Heather Lawless
Shonali Bhowmik
Chelsea Peretti

With:
AD Miles
Michael Showalter
Todd Barry


Plus:
*Our best short film ever
*A Shac theme song by Strawberry Floatboats
*Giftbags
*Shac tees

Galapagos (back room)
70 N. 6th St
L train to Bedford
Free