CRUNCH GYM: some thoughts.

1.

Class titled: "Bikini Bootcamp." Congratulations! This class title has the precise two-word combination to make me never take it.

Other no-shows would be:
"Toga Tapdance"
"Felt-suit Funk"
"Industry Networkout"
"G-string Kickboxing"

2.

Machine named: the Butt Blaster. It's gotten to the point where I'll just head into the gym and spend the full 4 & 1/2 hours on the Butt Blaster alone. Occasionally, people ask what I do at the gym. I exclusively butt blast.

3.

The Reebok bike has a pre-set course called "Mystery" with a big question mark on the button. What happens? When you press it do you sometimes get a shitty workout and sometimes a really good one? Or does some swarthy guy with a five o'clock shadow slink up and put a bullet in your side with a silencer on his gun and then he clips off in leather soled shoes, as if invisible to the sweating fatsos. And his name is Ronny Murdock, Jason Champagne, Gus Tidwell or Santiago Crump (or some other spammer name). And then the boss is like how was her workout? And J. Champagne is like "I guess it didn't workout so good for her." And they're laughing and pounding the table with all the pasta on it.

PS Ani Difranco has a lyric where she says: "I was cramped up, shitting rivers for days..." ANI are you fucking kidding?