Even more bad advice

I've given you some general suggestions for bad advice before. Now let's get more specific.

If someone asks you to look over their cover letter and help them edit it, what you do is: go through and just add the word "quite," repeatedly, throughout. I've already vetted this for you and it is hilarious.

Here are a few excerpted examples from the lengthy cover letter I edited for a friend. I sent it back with the subj header "EDITS IN CAPS" :

•I believe my professional and academic skills and interests would translate QUITE effectively...

•I wrote QUITE a dissertation on sustainability...

•At present, I am compiling QUITE a study...

•In addition, I offer familiarity with international development organizations and QUITE a network of contacts...


etc.


PS My friend's cover letter was smarter than me and I had nothing to add--it was over my head.

PPS My cover letters usually consist of "See resume attch'd"

Mixed Message, visual division

This is what I email to boyz when I really like them...SORT OF!

Shoe Craving

Sometimes...it just hits you....







A SHOE CRAVING

...pale yellow...pastel pink...powder blue...

...leather..............hightops...

Why do radio commercials have to be so annoying?

Radio voiceover talent should be required, under a "Say It To My Face" law, to have to say their voiceover to a lot of people, to their face, one-on-one, every day, as long as that commercial is on the air.

Rap rhythms as an emotional undercurrent for ballads

"After years of being indirectly involved with Hip-Hop music, actor/pop singer Patrick Swayze is finally experimenting with rap music.

Swayze recently said he was experimenting with “rap rhythms as an emotional undercurrent for ballads.”

mom2b

I am hard at work brainwashing the child. If you want to do this, the trick is speak loudly at it: "This is the voice of your favorite aunty." And so on. Other secret things.

"You're a Jamaican queen, oh yeah, I'm an American king, girl."

When I listen to this song I make love to myself and imagine I am both a Jamaican queen and also an American King. It's very intense. I have always had incredible powers of empathy.

(From R. Kelly's "Slow Wind")

My favorite holiday moment so far

Hands down was when my aunt ripped open a present from my uncle and went "Oh my god, you got me the new Dave Matthews CD!!!!" all girlish and excited. And he went "You bet" all masculine and definitive.

shirt

I don't know why I like this shirt so much. I ordered it for someone and it looks great.

The friendster saga continues....

(I am the wolf)

This is what religion is all about!

Stock still, I displayed my gifts in this manner for 2 hours, took a ten minute break, and then did 2 more hours.

If I were a porn star

my bio would say how much I weighed "dripping wet."

You may have noticed

A blog/site integration and redesign, courtesy of gifted and irrepressibly kind Mark Forscher.

I have also removed commenting--what do you guys think about that?

Holiday compliment

"Hot damn! You look like a thousand bucks!"

Also just say "hot damn" a lot. It's the most festive, natural thing you could do.

I just added Lil Wayne and Crest Whitening Strips to my Wishlist

Goodbye, last shred of dignity...it's like I never knew you...

Wash Hands Sign

From Andrea:



"Apparently there was confusion...then the highlighter pen stepped in to clear things up"

Audio blast from the past

Carrie (of Stay Free) reminded me of a beautiful message (audiofile, prob use headphones, you're not going to want to share him with anyone else) from a poetic suitor who was given the Rejection Line number, apparently by a "spic" female, in the earliest days of the phone line's existence.

This is the xmas tree in my current home:

What do you make of it.

Transit Strike: Photo from the frontlines!

This is what it has come to.

[Via The Apiary]

Transit Strike Tricks!

If you want to trick someone a little bit who is put out by the transit strike--start pretending other things are striking.

So like if they're supposed to come over to visit you just don't answer the door. "Sorry dude--doorbell strike!" They will hate that and feel so tricked. Then once that trick is over and they get inside: bathroom strike. No bathroom use til we don't know when.

If you work at a restaurant, instead of seating people directly, first try: "We're not serving anyone today--food strike." They will laugh so hard.

If somehow you could get a mirror to say "mirror strike" in a robot voice and then this electric cover slides up and clamps shut, that would be the ultimate.

Hahaha

Just came across this--I agree!

IM backsliding, MNTs

I've engaged in a bit of IM backsliding of late and I do apologize to myself and all my goals.

That said, my new things on IM are:

Absolut marketing trick
This is where I use an Absolut type slogan to respond to nearly everything someone says. So, "Absolut Good Point!" Or, if the buddy takes on a gangsterish persona when they get behind their screenname I might go for an: "Absolut Slang!" After a while, I parenthetically explain I'm doing some marketing for Absolut and sorry. If they respond with a haha? "Absolut Haha."

HB!
One person told me via im "I turned 25 today!" To which I responded "Shit, well HB, man!" He was all "HB??" What we learned is that HB is the laziest, least considerate way to say happy birthday to a friend who is celebrating a birthday. Handwriting that shit on a card would be an even worse statement--diligent thoughtlessness.

CiaoCiao virus.
This is where I am winding down an IM and I go "Okay, ciao" and they may say bye or something but then I also go "ciao ciao" and then I'm like "ciao" and "ciao" and "ciao ciao" and then I'm like FUCK! I THINK I GOT THE CIAO CIAO VIRUS. MOTHERFUCKER! Ciao. Ciao ciao. And on and on. It's hilarious. This is one of those hilarious ones that just keeps on going. Ciao. Ciao. Ciao Ciao. Ciao. Ciao. Ciao. Ciao ciao. Ciao.

Inspiration: I hate when people say "ciao."

We saw this guy out tonight:

"Excuse me, sir? Do you know what E equals?"

I always liked Calvin and Hobbes

Dear friends

Ah, we meet again...

Sorry I've been a bit incommunicado. I've been jerking off for hours to an Amazon search for "waterproof apparel."

More soon.

Die asap!

Is what I would write to someone who emailed to tell me they have a deadly disease.

(S= slowly)

"Turn around...bright eyes..."

This song has a whole different feel to it if you're facing someone.

I posted a bulletin on Friendster today!

Click

Did you know?

•Did you know I had been interviewed about cupcakes on 6/15/05?

More bulletpoints to follow.

Chels, I'm almost worried about you now...

Just text me you're alive...I need to know that you're okay.



Your "always and forever"...Coop

PS I know this is one too many.

Jobless?

You can come to "Off the Web," a live, internet-related comedy show this Thursday at 3pm.

@ The PIT (People's Improv Theater)
154 W 29th St. , btw 6th/7th Aves
Reservations: 212 563 7488
(1/9 to 28th St. or F to 34th St.)

Chels?



Chelsea...?

Mmmph...I thought I heard something.

New Shac short is now....up.

G A N E S H A





Happy Holidays.

THE "MOST DOUCHEBAGGY COMMENT ON MY MYSPACE" AWARD GOES TOOOOOOooooo:

I seriously love the extent of douchebaggery present in this comment all the way from the tippy top of its head to the bitsy bottom of its toes.

(But Mr. Babbington's was a blast!)

PS Feeling sorry for him? Don't have me screenshot the emails he sent.

r i p

~Richard Pryor~

Chelsea:

Please, please write me back. God, my stomach is in knots right now. My hair has never felt...so gray. Like the sky.

I came by but no one answered the door...but I SAW your light on.

Chelsea, a poem.

Sparkling.
Wise.
Her hair a strand caught in her mouth
I stroke it away: she's gone before I'm done.
Her smile still ringing in my ears,
I am Anderson Cooper.

Dear Chelsea...

I miss your face. Did I ever tell you you are the person who taught me most of what I know? Even though you're not a journalist, you taught me about journalistic integrity. With your actions you taught me grace and graciousness. And you are hilarious, like everyone said you were...

I miss your laugh...

Jesus, Chels. We had a good thing. I know you felt we had run our course, but I want you to know I miss you and think about you often. You are the inspiration for all that I do...Anderson.

Adventures in Spaceheating

I can't believe this--but I've just been ASKED TO WRITE A BOOK ABOUT SPACEHEATERS--because of the two previous posts! This will be my first book and I'm really excited to get crackin!

It's 72 degrees inside

I can't say enough positive things about my new space heater. We have bonded to the point where we don't ever want to part company. If I could design a SpaceheaterSuit--yall know I would. It would be like an insulated jumpsuit that inflated with heated air.

The Vornado space heater is:

Quiet, softly purring..."I'll hold you in my warm embrace"
Warmly warming.
Small.
Warmlike.
Heat inducing.
Chill blasting.
Cozymaking.
Warmness heavy.
Creating "warmth."

My windows have also been taped over with clear sheets of plastic to prevent a draft.

Now what I want is breakfast in bed. Remember how we went to Camp Tawonga? And how the different cabins were called G9 for 9 year old girls and B9 for boys etc? And remember how we used to play mud gaga for breakfast in bed the next morning? Losing cabin brings breakfast to winning cabin? Well, we did. And I would love it if a group of 9 year old boys had to come bring me that shit now, a full breakfast. I am a Greek man, living in another era. I just did my first character post!

My Space Heater

Hath. ARRIVED.

I'm a complete germ freak

So, when I smoke a joint with someone WHICH IS CONSTANTLY I usually snip about a 1/2 inch off the mouth side every time it's passed to me. People hate it.

Thanks to everyone who came out to the Variety Shac last night!

You guys are awesome. I was sorry to have had to leave so early. But guess what? We've got some more fun ahead to share.

DEC 14, (Wed), 8PM, $5: Mark your calendars for a night of storytelling with the Variety Shac (Andrea Rosen, Heather Lawless, Shonali Bhowmik, Chelsea Peretti) and special guests (Mike Albo!) at MONKEYTOWN, a super cool venue on a desolate street. It's the one I was telling you about before. You can eat yummy food there. Again, don't clank your fork during my story. (58 N 3rd St, btw. Kent & Wythe. Williamsburg, Brooklyn 11211)

DEC 16 (Fri), 8PM, free: Join the Variety Shac as they join Greg Johnson as his special guests at "Friday Night with Greg Johnson" at Cinema Classics aka Rififi. Shorts, music, comedy, the whole shebang--but in the East Village. And with host Greg Johnson. (332 E. 11th St, btw 1st and 2nd Ave.)


Monkeytown, back room

I can't believe this guy

has written 10 million novels!

T-shirts / Hoodies I want made

Eyes on the prize, Peretti!
Go get 'em, Peretti!
Reel it in, Peretti!
Peretti 2 Real!
They Can't Take It, Peretti!

EU and I have been plotting about this 4evr. He's going to get me a zip-up hoody that says: "Go get 'em, Peretti!" and then under a t-shirt that says "Reel it in, Peretti!" (He'll wear one that says: "Go get 'em, Uzoigwe!")

These days, I think of myself as a boxer.

PS If you have an ethnic name you might want to consider this gameplan also, ie: "Go get 'em, Kalinowska!" It's just going to amp you up for your day. "Go get 'em, Smith" falls flat. EthnicityyyyyYYYYY!!!!!

Though IM has grown tedious of late

And I have drastically cut back on my instant communications...there still remains some fun to be had.




Eye-M is more like it HAHAHAHAAH. We're having fun, guys--we're having fun, here!

"Executives from Filene's Basement sent a luxury Town Car..."

Dreeeeam on....dream a-waaaaaaay....

During the holiday months,

I sign everything off "wreath."

Wreath,
Chelsea

Yes, that's right, the Variety Shac IS tonight!

Come kick off a month of Christliness with Chelsea Peretti, Andrea Rosen, Heather Lawless, and Shonali Bhowmik.

Special guests:
Tom McCaffery and Cary Prussa

Our short film this month is about the spirit of gift-giving.

8:30 sharp, Galapagos back room
$5 suggested donation
70 N. 6th St, Williamsburg, L train to Bedford


Your host


Heather doing stand-up

~~Shac Short Films Online~~

I will also be performing at Bobby Tisdale and Eugene Mirman's CD/DVD release show at the Bowery Ballroom.

Hahhaha

Hilarious. Oh, Internet, I love you.

Speaking of MySpace,

I updated my Friendster profile.



Related post

Tigers and Monkeys

Were real, real awesome at the Knitting Factory this Sat. You gentle spirits should have been there. TigersandMonkeys.com

They're on MySpace, too.

Google sponsored links finally "gets me"

50 Cent: Queen

Check it

Best Brunch

I made the best brunch and I feel like it's time for me to publicly congratulate myself, whilst also sharing the recipe.

(EU U O ME.)

I made perfectly-browned omelettes with broccoli and pepperjack cheese. And homefries, also perfectly-browned. I nailed it bigtime. I feel like I should have a ton more friends for how cool I am. Then also coffee but E hooked that part up (so-so).

THE PERFECT OMELETTE

Saute:
Olive oil.
Garlic salt, black pepper.
Some chopped up broccoli heads.
A splash of water to steam it a bit.
Set aside.

Grate:
Some pepperjack cheese. Be grateful for every little shred. It's gonna add a lot of grate flavor.
Set aside.

Whisk:
2 eggs per person plus "one for the pan" (my mom taught me that).
Add a little milk (An omelette-master ex taught me that. That was the main thing he taught me. Actually, one more thing I'll get to in a sec.)
Set aside.

Melt:
Salted butter in a smallish pan (That was the other stuff my ex taught me. Salted butter makes the omelette taste a zillion times better and a smallish pan makes the flipping much more successful. Also taught me to start trusting my instincts more.)
Pour egg mixture in. Let it solidify a bit, low heat works well. Manuever the pan in some circles so the liquid egg gets distributed.
When it is almost all cooked but slightly runny up top, add cheese to half side.
Add sauteed broccoli TO SAME HALF SIDE, don't be silly.
Flip -->uncovered side<-- over on top of broc/cheese covered side. Trust me, that will just make things easier. Do you always have to see for yourself?

Flip:
The omelette.

The cheese should be melty and the omelette all browned up.

AT THE SAME TIME YOU WERE DOING ALL THIS SHIT (AND EVEN PRIOR!), JESEZ DAMN YOU WERE WORKING HARD FOR THIS BREAKFAST, YOU WERE MAKING:

THE PERFECT POTATOES

Clean and boil:
Some Russet potatoes. How many do you want to eat?

Take them out of the pot before they are soft all the way through but let them get slightly tender/pokable. This is a crucial step if you want to make homefries like Mama's Royal Cafe in Oakland which is what your goal should be.

Dice:
Those potatoes, stupid. How retarded are you?

Slice:
Some scallions aka: green onions, aka: SCALLY SCAL OUTTA DETROIT.

Chop:
Some garlic.

Put:
Olive oil in a pan. Shake some garlic salt in there and pepper. Put some actual live garlic in (all chopt up and let it get slightly brown) Then throw the cubes of potatoes in. You really need to THROW them in as in toss them across the room toward the pan or this won't work. Try 10-20 ft of distance. Stir it all up and around. Add some scallions in there when they're almost done. This could take a while to get to that sweet spot. Feel free to add more olive oil and a shit ton more salt to form that crispy, salty exterior you've been going on and on about ever since you heard about my home fried potato dish which sounded like it really hit it's mark on the crispy and salty front. You aren't wrong! It was justabout perfect.

Slather with Frank's Hot Sauce.

Who am I? A great cook. A fine friend. A lover of literature and song. I love to travel. I like going to movies by myself. Did you know I have blue eyes and like to smile?

Well, like so many lovable bloggers and flickrers and myspacers and personal websiters out there, I feel greatly inspired by myself and my ability to use the internet to show how wonderful I am as a person. I'm remarkable and I hope you like me.

I'm remarkable and I hope you like me.
I'm remarkable and I hope you like me.
I'm remarkable and I hope you like me.
I'm remarkable and I hope you like me.
I'm remarkable and I hope you like me.

Bye!

Go ahead, Heidi.

Ignore the naysayers.

Manwhores: Do you have the stamina? Will you be able to keep up? Now comes the true test.

I think it's insane that legal language about prostitution only pertains to females. And that people are skeptical of a male whorehouse being financially viable.

Let's see what happens. I like the concept.

New Amazon Review

Is up.

Okay, another one is now up, too.

I find this photo essay both cute and disgusting.

Squirrel and puppies. I don't know if I'm partially disgusted because interspecies bonding looks taboo...or if it's just that I hate NY city squirrels so much that I can't believe a domesticated squirrel is truly goodly within. Actually, now after writing that I do know: I can't believe a domesticated squirrel is truly goodly within.

Cool Picture

Sandra Bernhard and Iman

Dec 6 : Variety Shac

Come kick off a month of Christliness with Chelsea Peretti, Andrea Rosen, Heather Lawless, and Shonali Bhowmik.

Special guests:
Tom McCaffery and Cary Prussa

Our short film this month is about gift-giving.

8:30 sharp, Galapagos back room
$5 suggested donation
70 N. 6th St, Williamsburg, L train to Bedford


Galapagos bar, front room


Your host


Heather doing stand-up


Not totally sure...something.

~~Shac Short Films Online~~

(I will also be performing at Bobby Tisdale and Eugene Mirman's CD/DVD release show at the Bowery Ballroom.)

Wishing Well

Shouts to whoever got me the Fatlip CD and to the person who got me the spaceheater off my wishlist! You can have no idea how excited I am, sitting here, songless, wrapped in ice-cold blankets.

Other personal achievements:

I also...

• directed this fashion shoot

• choreographed this dance scene

This is a film I directed about chocolate

Enjoy.


(More of my work here)

As the winter months continue to approach

I continue to restrict my attire. However, due to weather concerns, I have added two different coats to my wardrobe. This was hard for the purist in me, but I feel it was the right thing to do.

I am also able to wear this hat.

Drinkwise, I exclusively drink the Kentucky Christmas.