Snack Suggestion

This post is dedicated to Jasmine...it is practically a CP (commisioned post)



You take some kale. Lightly steam.



In a pan you have some olive oil and sliced garlic. Brown it.

Add the kale.

Add balsamic vinegar and a dash of soy.

Shake of garlic salt.

Add pine nuts.



Serve steaming hot with a sprinkle of romano cheese.

I GOT A GOOGLEWHACK!!!!!!!!

WHOOO-HOOOOOOOOOOO!!



I AM PROUD TO SAY THAT THIS SATURDAY NIGHT AT 9:19PM, I CHELSEA PERETTI MANAGED TO GET A GOOGLEWHACK AFTER A SERIES OF FALSE STARTS!!!!!!!



THE GOOGLEWHACK? "RAZORED EGOIST"



Never been more proud of myself--if you can imagine! I've been meaning to try it ever since seeing Dave Gorman's solo show: DAVE GORMAN'S GOOGLEWHACK ADVENTURE.



(Not familiar? Here are the RULES)

THINGS ARE HEATING UP!!!! Help me choose a storage bench!!!

OPTION 1!!!!



OPTION 2!!!!



OPTION 3!!!!



OPTION 4!!!!!!!!



OPTION 5!!!



OPTION 6!!!!!



PS I'm aware that this is basically like a big fuck you to my readership. IE, if I were a reader of my blog (instead of SOLE CREATOR!!!!) I would see this post and be like: "You know what? I'm gonna say how about you choose OPTION-FUCK-YOU,-POST-SOMETHING-LESS-MINDSUCKINGLY-DULL." But let's just all have a sense of humor about it and throw out a couple ideas if we care to.



We all must admit, after all, we're a bunch of internet-addicted swine, and whether this is a crappy fix or not in the end isn't the most important factor--hey it's a fix, bitches.



TAKE IT!



Ride out the high of my storage bench post, junkies.

Who said it?

You can break hearts and manipulate minds. Or: Surrender, act tender...be gentle and kind.

Insane in the men-brain! Crazy insane, woman-brain!

Interesting finds on intelligence and the brain as pertains to men and women. Ladies, do not get hit in the frontside of your head, girls! [via Andrea's blog.]



By the way, I am still listening to Citizen Cope's "SIDEWAYS" if you skipped it the first time I posted, won't you please come hear what I've become bizarrely obsessed with HERE (scroll down)? (Odd fact: I did all the clapping on the lesser track: Bullet and a Target. Though I did contribute all the soulclaps, I'm am not a huge fan of the song overall. Sideways is by far superior, clearly in a class of it's own.)



Strangely, the helpful pal who suggested I listen to Sideways online also and in the same breath had nothing but positive words for ol' JoJo, who I found abhorrent. It's like shitty Beyonce mixed with Ashanti mixed with that shithead girl from American Idol, Kelly Clarkson. Mixed with pure shit. And then mashed up with some crap.



JoJo fans! Rest assured, if they play it on the radio enough, I'm sure I'll know every word and every riff and be happily singing along within a few months.

Wow.

It's kind of crazy. Halle Berry has a pretty crappy official site.



Ladies and gentlemen, enter the high concept web world that is....HALLEWOOD.



She calls her fans "groovers".



I just spent some time on there and my mind is rushing. I'm kind of at a loss for words.

You MUST check it out.

Guys, you gotta check out THIS site! It has so much good stuff on there.

NEXT TIME DO IT KITTYSTYLE!!!!!!

Spa me the details!

I wanted a massage and booked one. Here was the spa. Imagine me sipping cucumber water in these environs...




Post-massage. ("No More Drama")


But it's never quite that simple, is it?

THE NEUROTIC BACKSTORY:
After telling me I could "leave my panties on or take them off--whatever you're comfortable with!" my (male) masseur asked me lots of questions.

Like: "What do you do?" Don't want to talk about it. "Have you ever been on TV?" Don't want to talk about it. "Okay and Chelsea...do you want me to massage your gluteous maximus?" Sure. Oh, also could you gross me out before doing so? Thanks. "Would you like me to massage your inner thighs?" Can you rephrase this to be unspoken? "How is it?" Good. "Just good??" Hey, do you think at any point you'll be giving me a massage in the silently professional vein? "And Chelsea if you can move the towel down to where you're comfortable with, I'm going to massage your chest area." Great. Below the nipples is where I feel comfortable with. I don't know why, just for some reason that's where I get really comfortable. "Do you wear heels?" Not much...do you ask tons of creepy questions?

That's when the leg stretching began, in which I had the distinct impression he was stretching each leg around with the goal of getting my poontang to pop out of aforementioned "panties."

A rollercoaster of relaxation!

If I could have seen into my future as a child,

I would've gotten to see that I'd someday be a grown woman who:



Is reading The Hobbit.

Runs a pun blog.

Sleeps in a loft bed.

Bought the Garden State soundtrack at Barnes and Noble.



Was there a path not taken somewhere along the line? Can I circle back and find that shit?

Coping with Snow.

It has been snowing here in NY, I don't know if you've heard? This pic was taken at an early point:







But snow can bury a car.







This is how Ejike wraps his face up. For the cold. (I'm sorry, what'd you say?)







Unfortunately, there is a flaw with his coldwear costume: the wrists are left vulnerable and exposed.



Ejike demonstrates:











I almost trashed this next picture, but then his eye caught mine and it instantly became the best pic of the lot. Look how serious he's taking the reenactments.







A singular focus.

I'm not a cat person, but..........

I am a kitty person!

















"Doggiestyle, my ass!"

Spike the Office Dog: MAN OF MANY FACES

Spike spends up to 95% of his days begging for food. As such, he must draw heavily from his "bag of tricks"--an advanced repertoire of subtle facial expressions:



One eye to the side.





Mouth slightly ajar.





The black nose.





The white nose.

What song is my psycho neighbor is blasting right now, in the 5th hour of his weekend morning full-blast Shitty Music Marathon?

RING MY BELL, again.

If I had done a ton of ballet as a child

I bet you anything some of the girls would have called me: Chelsea Pirouettey. Why wouldn't they?

Pasta alla Chelsea Peretti

Okay so I've been cooking again lately...







Here's a simple dish I made the other night. Whole wheat linguini (surprisingly good) with tomato puree mixed with Frank's hot sauce, toasted pinenuts, fresh basil, chunks of fresh mozzarella (mmmmm), and served with Romano cheese on top.



Side dish: Green beans with butter and garlic salt.



Not a glorious meal, perhaps, but hit the spot.



Here, look it in the eye a bit:







Pretend it is your dinner:

KEITH SWEAT!!!!

Never forget!

I've been listening to this song a lot.

Sideways, you'll need to scroll down, it's at the bottom of the page. It's great. Love the drama. And the weird slur adds an element of humor to it that I also love.

You know how mapquest is kind of useless in New York? Because we take the subway and don't want driving directions?

YES! Check out Straphangers! You have no idea how many times I have wished for this.



[Via EYEBEAM'S REBLOG]



Note: I haven't tried it yet so if it sucks, I'll be sad.

Another note: The url could be improved. Will not remember this one--it should just be Straphangers.com.

Holy shit, Modern Pooch has done it again.

What does your phone number spell?

Forgot about this site but trust me it provides hours of distraction: Phonespell.org.



Imagine the excitement on your friend's face when you inform him his number spells 22-0-gig-jab-mam. Etc. No, but seriously you can encounter some beauts.

Here's something to not buy.

This.

Weather or not

You know, sometimes I really geniunely want to talk about the weather. I'm excited about how cold it is or how mild or how sunny--or windy! Those are things that sometimes I would love to talk about--I have a zest for it--but fear it will be misconstrued as grasping at straws. Weather has gotten a bum rap as solely a smalltalk topic. It's been pidgeonholed. You gotta overcome the stigma.



There is one really wrong place to talk about the weather and that is therapy.

Reader Poll: What do you think?

Coke or Pepsi?



Thank you for your feedback. While many people the world over enjoy Pepsi, it is less carbonated and sweeter than it's counterpart, Coke. THE CORRECT ANSWER: COKE.

Reader Poll: What do you think?

Cake or pie?



Thank you for your feedback. While the best pie in the world is ultimately better than the best cake in the world, the fact of the matter is, good pie is rare. Good fruit is hard to come by and thus many pies are oversugared or filled with gelatinous sludge, whereas even cake from a mix is very good. THE CORRECT ANSWER, ON A TECHNICALITY: CAKE.

Reader Poll: What do you think?

Do you like it when people ask you where you bought something you're wearing?



Thank you for your feedback. While it is flattering to be complimented, this type of question is inherently selfish: the person wants to get for themselves what you have. Some people like that and some people don't. CORRECT ANSWER: IT DEPENDS; THE ENTIRE SITUATION SHOULD BE HANDLED WITH TACT BY THE COVETOUS PARTY

What song is my vietnam vet neighbor blasting at top volume, right now?

RING MY BELL

Web Designer

I want to pay someone to re-do my website (move blog onto site, change colors, update photos). If interested, send me links to past projects and a ballpark quote.

An attempt to describe the scent of a stout, hair-dyed (jetblack) male resident of my apartment building.

Lysol sprayed onto glycerin soap.

Sandalwood mixed in a boiling vat with Zest.

A thousand vomited mothballs.

Ajax + honeysuckle.

Hair gel + nailpolish remover + babywipes.

Cheap cologne mixed cheap alcohol and then an old lady's potpourri mixed in.

Aftershave + Baby Powder + Vodka + rosewater

Incense + scented candles doused in gasoline.

A deathbed plus time & air deodorizor = this smell.

Come to my friend Cory's art opening TONITE...

6-8pm! Yay Cory!



Did you know he can modify a Nintendo cartridge--with his bare hands?