Do you know any venture capitalists?

I'm developing a line of denim sleepwear.

Deadbeat DADS!

Eat your hearts out.

Anyone funny w experience in radio? Contact me! (Click "contact" at top of page.)

Here's how I feel about this cold

This intense, exposed skin-reddening cold is merited up high on a mountaintop, with a startling vista just bursting into view, some sort of spectacular 360 degree birdseyeview of some remarkable natural landscape, the song of a slowly-extincting bird fading in and out of earshot, a tent with a fullbody sleeping bag behind me, rustic coffee brewing in a rustic coffeepot at the fire site. This caliber of cold DOES NOT makes sense here in the city. It's not worth it. Breathing in an icy gust of crisp, slicing wind is not an activity that is earned by dirty sidewalks and crappy bodegas full of rotting fruit. There is no reason to experience it here. The ONLY thing that makes sense anymore is a movie marathon.


WORTH IT!


TOTALLY WORTH IT!


HERE IS A LANDSCAPE THAT HAS EARNED ITS COLD!


NOT WORTH IT.


WHY.


ECH.


NO, NO, NO, NO. No.

TGIF

I am being very productive and efficient, but the whole time my body and soul and mind is craving only one thing:

moviemarathonmoviemarathonmoviemarathon.

I just want to be tucked away in bed engaging in a movie marathon zombie fest of my own creation. BY MYSELF. NO. VISITORS. NO. COMPANY. I want to be a total fucking zombie running a solo, strenuous, moviest movie marathon.

PS
SHAC has a new short....editing now! Efficient!
In the meantime, enjoy the SHAC Friday classic: TGIF

The visual bounty of gmail.

Haha

Sometimes life just writes itself. Bye bye cat owners...

Is Sydmore a cool name?

Is Bush still prez?

Revenue in Minutes

Revenue:
40 cents

Minutes:
525,948.766

Fun for who?

Misc

My spacebar on my mac sucks a fat D. It isn't spacing half the time which I believe is the main point of the spacebar. So I took the space key off and now I can't get it back on and it still isn't spacing right. Any suggestions? Or do I just have to toss the whole computer into the Hudson and forget about the internet forever? I'm hesitant to turn my back on alltechnology forever just because one fucking spacebar has completely let medown.

When your spacebar is broken you start re-envisioning typing. Now I'mthinking about just using return instead ofspacing. Then all my correspondance will read like poetry! Lemons out of lemons!

Misc #2 is that I really like Beck song "Think I'm In Love." Anyone else like it?

In closing, here'sa poem:

SPACEBAR
I
hate
my
spacebar
return
return
from
now
on
i'm
hitting
return
insteadofspace
POETRY!

Helpful Equation

COMEDY + TRAGEDY + DRAMA + DRAMA + DRAMA = COMEDY!

"Making Friends With Chelsea Peretti"

Now freshly launched on Super Deluxe, with a theme song by Pete Miser and editing by Brendan Colthurst...



My artist's page

TONIGHT (WED 1/17) 9:30PM

SHAC at UCB, 307 W 26th St.

HEATHER LAWLESS CHELSEA PERETTI SHONALI BHOWMIK

With: Fred Armisen & Nick Kroll

BUY TIX HERE

Express trains: I would be nothing without you.

NUVA RING

Wow, does this Nuva Ring commercial suck a dook, yet it suks 1 to the extent where it's kind of worth seeking out and watching on your free time.

Buy tix now

For this Wed Variety SHAC at UCB

*HEATHER LAWLESS * CHELSEA PERETTI * SHONALI BHOWMIK *

With:
Fred Armisen
&
Nick Kroll

BUY TIX NOW BUY TIX NOW BUY TIX NOW

I just love saying buy tix now. I'm going to start saying that as a response to anything. Rosen is out of town, but Rosen fans should come anyway bc the show will reek of her spirit and endorsement.

Strap one on

Are you a whimsical turd? Yes, you are. But get more specific -- what type of whimsical turdy turd turd are you...? Pinpoint it and buy the appropriate watch'full'o'whimsy aka "turd band" to express it.


Would you like no one to respect you as a dentist?


Would you like no one to respect you as a realtor...?


Or, would you prefer if no one respected you as an "office worker"?


Your call entirely, as long as you have at least $35.95 that means absolutely nothing to you. Watcha waitin' for? Wrist whimsy is just a few clicks from your doorstep.

Then you can go "Hey, what time is it?" glance at your wrist and always think:

"2pm--boy am I a huge piece of turd."
Or:
"9am, how did I become this man."
Or:
"3:45 and my brain is still pure shit."
Or:
"12AM!! TIME TO BUY A NEW WATCH!!!!"

Some Upcoming Shows

Sun Jan 14 @ Pianos (158 Ludlow), 8:15pm:
CAVALCADE
With: Jessi Klein, Marc Maron, Andy Blitz, John Mulaney, Chelsea Peretti

Wed Jan 17@ UCB (307 W. 26th St), 9:30pm:
VARIETY SHAC
With: Chelsea Peretti, Heather Lawless, Andrea Rosen, Shonali Bhowmik
Plus special guests: Nick Kroll, Fred Armisen
$5

Fri Jan 19 @ Rififi (332 E. 11th St.), 8pm:
GREG JOHNSON SHOW SANS GREG JOHNSON
With: Brett Gelman, Chelsea Peretti, Jaqueline Novak, Baron Vaughn, Heather Lawless, Eric Andre, Matt Dwyer

More events here
And here

3 desserts in Brooklyn

In no particular order:

1. Junior's: Cheesecake (I've only tried the strawberry shortcake cheesecake).
2. Cake Man Raven: Red Velvet Cake.
3. The Chocolate Room: Chocolate Layer Cake.

How does diabetes work? I think I am possibly at risk.

Anecdotes this guy might tell on a date:

"Me and my buddies used to always play stickball and we'd get like, really competitive..."
"One time I pierced this chick's bellybutton with my eyes..."
[5-10 Jager anecdotes.]
"My mom is the greatest. I have the utmost respect for her..."
"I gotta hit the gym. I stopped going for a couple days last week because..."
"There's some really cool spots in Mexico, you just have to know where to go. You don't want to be a gringo wandering around. 'Gringo' is what they call white people down there..."

Tonight, Invite Them Up

332 E. 11th St 8:30pm.

Tues, Jan 9 @ 10pm

Brett Gelman and Jon Daly's new weekly variety show at Rififi (332 E. 11th St). Featuring: Leo Allen, Dave Hill, Chelsea Peretti, The Whitest Kids U Know, and Bobby Tisdale. - FREE

Very good, Dr. Very nicely done. You know your way around a balm.

Dr Hauschka lip balm

Who Am I

A.
I have never bought any music on itunes til this past week.

B.
Here are my first 19 song purchases:



I don't know how it happened exactly, but I am officially an adult with zero taste.

eCard Idea

I'd like to feel again that frenzied excitement we all once felt about e-cards, the DIY delight. Remember? They felt so impossible, yet there they were: possible.

In 20007, I'd like to really get into sending personalized electronic well-wishes to friends and family at all times and occasions. But since it's unlikely I'll live til then, I'll start this up in 2007.

No event too small:

* e-card mock-up * e-card mock-up * e-card mock-up * e-card mock-up *

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND
From the 1 of us!!!!!


* e-card mock-up * e-card mock-up * e-card mock-up * e-card mock-up *

Every once in a while a product comes along

That makes a ton of sense for everyone involved.

FINALLY, green tea head wipes for the hairless.

Hats off, Bald Guyz. Go America!!!!

Never, not once

I have never had a cavity. Ever. How does that make you, as a reader, feel?

Dork snack

Rice cake with peanut butter and raisins.

Here's a sad poem I wrote, plumbing the depths of my heart

I Miss Christmas (aka "I'm Uncomfortable With Reality")

I miss looking for special ornaments in windows while I walk around.
I miss seeing lights on trees inside apartments.
I miss pine wreaths.
I miss thinking about what to get people and wondering what I might get.
Christmas come back.
Christmas, come on, come back.
I hate it when you end.
I like unopened presents under the tree.
I like the planning and plotting.
I like the smell of pine.
I like Santas and angels.
I like picking wrapping paper.
I miss having a reason to call family.
I even like Christmas music.

Feeling heavy?

Here's a good prank shirt to wear this will help you distort reality until people don't exactly know how to judge you anymore.



Then if people get confused they're all: "Wait...are you pregnant?" And you make searching eye contact and nod but then shake your head. Just when they rear back to rip into you for gaining so much belly weight, you go: "No, I am pregnant." And on.



In other news: WHAT?! Police uniforms are avail online?


Now Presenting...
AMAZON PRODUCT THEATRE

"DING DONG!"

"Yes? Oh, hello officer, come right in...AaaAAAAAARRHHGGHHHARGHARGHHHHHHHBLUGGLURGgggggahhhhhhhh...h"

Haha

I was just thinking today about how I love Joel Stein. It's kind of weird how much I do love him, considering I haven't even followed his career particularly closely. Then, bango presto bang bang boom blam...I find this little J.S. essay linked on Gawker today.

Some Public Responses to Holiday Texts From Beloved Friends and Family

"Happy new year, beeyatches!"
Fucking Sprint. This text was clearly sent in 1990 and somehow it just got to me.

"Happy New Year ever1! May this yr b filled w/beautiful happiness!"
Thank you, I'm going to approach the new year differently because of this text. More as something "filled with beautiful happiness" than the shitlog I anticipate.

"Hey! Just a friendly reminder that rent is due tomorrow!"
Looking forward to another magical month.

"Mry xmas!"
Thanks for taking the time, dad!

"Happy nu yr"
See above, mom.

"Off to Asia. Happy holidays. Love you sister."
Well, the family's all accounted for! And judging by my incoming texts--we're a Peretti tight-knit family. Hey brother: any idea where in Asia? Or is that too intimate?

"Happy holidays...! Let's make 07 a big one"
Much appreciated, Russell Simmons. Oh wait, you're just some random guy I know.

"Merry Christmas eve day!"
Thank you. However, could you be more specific in pinpointing a timeframe?

"Light, love, abundance, health & lots of laughter 4 you and your family in '07. Thank you for blessing and being apart of my journey in '06. Paz."
Bless you back. You write very spiritual, meaningful mass texts. And paz back. Paz back.

The camera is back

Remember when my blog posts included a consistent and healthy visual component? Here are some old photos I found on my dusty old camera (finally reconstituted and ready-to-rumble in 2007):


A laid-back, comfortable meal.


Game night.


From the Close-up Collection.


From the Close-up Collection.


From the Close-up Collection.


Judah at SHAC.


Spec Script at UCB.


Lovely in pinks.


My Two Dads (FOX).