Some things for you to attend

June 1:
Oh Hello
Rififi
332 E. 11th ST (btwn 1st and 2nd)
8 pm
Free

June 3:
Shac film "Slumber Party"
Brooklyn Int'l Film Fest
Brooklyn Museum
3pm
$11.50

June 6:
VARIETY SHAC
Galapagos *backroom* (Williamsburg, Brooklyn).
70 N. 6th St.
(L train to Bedford Ave.)
8:30pm sharp
$5
**N E W* *S H O R T!**S P E C I A L* * G U E S T S!**

June 7:
School Night
UCB
307 W. 26th St.
11pm
Free

June 20:
Rejection Show "Outtakes Night"
Rejected Shac short bits--if you like the shorts, this should be funny for you.
*7:30*pm (doors, 7)

P.U.P.P.I.E.S.

Patriots
Unshakable
Patriotic
Patriotism
Introverts
Evangelists
Sensuality





Check out the puppy on the left. Chocolate milk.




Thanks 2 SH

MARILYN MONDAYS...

"It's okay to change yourself drastically."

Alternate Titles for Television's: "So You Think You Can Dance"

So You Think You Can Entertain Us With Anything You Put Together

So You Think You Can Rope Us in with the Guy Who's 60 Days Sober

So You Think You Can Judge As Snidely As Simon, And With Equal Charisma...But Are Wrong, Even Though He Didn't Set The Bar Very High

So You Think You Can Tell Us Bad Dancers Are Good Dancers Because You're Supposed to be a Panel of Experts, Even Though the Person You Loved Looked Like a Spastic

Suggestion: Best Way to Start the Day

If you take showers in the morning, this tip is for YOU!

Basically once you're done soaping, rinsing, etc., BEFORE you pull the shower curtain open, you use a very dignified English accent and you loudly trill:

"Ladies and gentlemen...I present to you.............[YOUR NAME HERE]....!!!!!"

You really feel like somebody when your feet hit that bathroom carpet. Somebody very important. The main thing is you really have to commit to the voice or you're fucked. You can't half-ass it.

Internet Appreciation Post

Some choice Milonakis style hee-haws fer ya:

• This is a video of a rich man exiting an LA club with Paris Hilton and inexplicably ranting on and on about Lindsay Lohan, while Paris titters enthusiastically. (Click--> "Watch the shocking video!")

• This is Andy's impression of him, a week later.

Some Contemporary Artwork

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Mobile post: I DESPISE SHODDY INTERNET CONNECTIONS AND THE "PROVIDERS" THAT "PROVIDE" THEM. I AM MOVING TO PHILLY, LAND OF THE FREE. BYE.

Housing listings: neighborhoods out-do themselves.

Presenting...SOHO!



Only $1200 for a share AND it has A CLOSET???!! What is this, crazy Al's crazy Soho outlet?



Presenting...WILLIAMSBURG!



I really gotta download and watch a VIDEO? Any way I could just skim some text? No, I'm sure you're a great editor and there's some really choice storytelling going on...and I'm sure your band put together a knockout track to score the film...it's just that...aw, well...I hate the idea of me having to watch your video.

A Tuesday Smattering...

Set to star in action film: "The Longest Island."


A type of dinner.


This makes me laugh. What happened?


How hard is it to make yourself diabetic? I believe I am coming closer than ever. Where can I find good pie? How about ice cream sundaes?

MARILYN MONDAYS...

"Show some teeth."

Do you have my black leather coat? Snaps up?

My favorite one?

The one I lost last night?

Is it on your person?

I miss it I miss it.

I miss it.

Did you see it and take it?

I miss it miss it.

Limitless zzzz zzz zzzzzzzzzzzz z zz

But what did it look like visually where I was writing in Woodstock?

I wrote from within the river using an underwater writing apparatus, aka, laptop in a garbage bag.





It was very peaceful.

Waddle, don't run...

Pumpkin Pancakes with Cinnamon Yogurt, Cafe Orlin.

Bravo! Bravo, Orlin!

Dude.

Adam Wade tuna vid is non-stop. And oh look!

Intensely Personal Font Choices

If you like Tsatsiki

And you love Fennel.............

You're gonna L.O.V.E. this FENNEL TSATSIKI RECIPE. My friend made it last night up here in Woodstock, where I am camped out writing. It was cray-Z good.

Immediately after eating this healthful goodness, I set my fork down and wrote the following letter (on an onion skin with a feather dipped in blueberry juice):

Thank you so much mother earth!

Love,
Woodstock

Then I tossed the letter into the river and watched it float away, my feet burrowed deeply in the deep, damp soil along the riverbank.

I'm loving it here.

MARILYN MONDAYS...

"Unflinching, look 'em dead in the eye."

You have got to be kidding me.

Found comment, 2006

"Blessed thanks for the add"??!!!! Will it ever end?

Have a Farrah Friday!

BEST GIFS AWARD

MySpace people, this gent I know has managed to put together 3 gifs that make me laugh. Fuck. It's so hit or miss with these things, but damn if he doesn't nail it every time.

(Horns) GIF SELECTAAAAAAAA!!!! (Horns, horns, hoooooooorrrrrrnnnnnssss)

Related, wordplay:

Let's gif em something to talk about.
Gif me a break!
Eh.

I dedicate today to this picture.

Chicken Tenders Served with a Sweetened Tomato Puree

This Evening I Standing Ate
A poem by Chelsea Peretti

This evening I standing ate
chicken tenders
out of the pan


The inspiration for this succulent, pure-meat meal tonight (and subsequent powerful poem!) is my blogging friend JK, who often describes his chicken fry adventures.

Here's JK's fried chicken recipe in his own abrasive words:

--------------------------
i made the bomb ass fried chicken.

don't even act like you're not jealous



i have become such a fucking goddamn master of fried chicken i freestyled this recipe:

marinate chichen thighs (juiciest and awesomeest parts of chicken) overnight in: soy sauce, sugar, chopped scallions, minced garlic + grated ginger.

bag of seasonings


dust it in flour, baking powder (for crispiness), garlic powder, ground ginger, black pepper, cayenne pepper, salt, + ground corriander seed.

fry in: bacon fat + safflower oil (or grapeseed oil).

I INVENTED THIS RECIPE. eyeball everything. you know what tastes good.

me. workin' it.


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"No federal offense, guys, but I'm gonna burn all your mail for 3 years."

I can't get enough of Gregory Mewborn, the mailman who BURNED mail because, if I remember the quote correctly "It was too much" and "it just kept coming."


"Hm, Burn Pile or Burn Pile?"

This confirms all my crazy fears as pure gospel.

So many questions...
Did he feel batshit crazy when he lit those mailbags on fire?
Did he experience shame when he slipped on that proud uniform?

We may never know.

Great graphic opp not ignored by 1010 Wins:



Did you know the way it was discovered? An illegal drag race resulted in car exploding into Mewborn's home (pictured below). That is how Mewborn's secreted, half-burned mailmags were discovered.


The Mewborn Estates.

"Will you be having dinner this evening?"
"No, just desserts."

A BMW board digests this news, and offers a solid Mewborn quote about the car-induced domestic fire: “I heard the boom, but I was asleep, so I thought maybe I was just hearing things. When I opened the garage door, the flames hit me in the face, so that's when I said oops, it's time to get out.”

I did not find the BMW Board by googling--I'm a daily visitor/participant in that community.

MARILYN MONDAYS...

Don't take pills and skip work--you're conjuring the wrong Marilyn.



Marilyn Mondays: The hand means business.

NYC Hairdresser: Charles Ward

Here's a hairdresser that I go to and highly recommend: Charles Ward. If you should happen to go, let him know that I sent you. For some reason he's offered me a $55,000 kickback on every cut or color. This seems insane but he insists it's appropriate.

VARIETY SHAC SHORT: BODEGA

Reminder: Discouraged Email Addresses

professionalfilmmaker@hotmail.com

topmodel@hotmail.com

worldrenownchef@hotmail.com

hottestDJ@hotmail.com

etc.

Comedy Is For Humans: Long set, tonight

Just a reminder that tonight at 8PM there is a fun show where us comics get to stretch out a bit more and do longer sets (25 min).

That show is: Comedy is For Humans.

Come by if you can (505 E. 12th St at Ave A.).

-Chelsea

Yes, this is a cry for help.

I just found an old poem I wrote like a year ago. Here it is:

C. Peretti's Italian Poem of Heartbreak

You broke-a my heart
Why you do that.
I like-a you so much
and you broke-a my heart.
My heart was-a so full
and now it feel empty.
My eye were all bright inside
look to your eye
and now they so sleepy.
Whatta you do to me.
Why you so special.
Whatta you do to me.
My last name is Peretti.
I eating a puttanesca righta now.
Seriously, as I writing this
penne with puttanesca.
Whatta you doing.
Itsa raining!
Itsa raining in New York.
Ima so sadeh.
It feela so sad to be
here withouta you forever
I liked you eso much-a!
Adesso: niente niente!
I missa you.
I wisha you were here.
But isa over, isa over.
He's a printing my receipta
the food isa over too.
But the rain it keepa going.
The raina still here.

Dog tired

Please excuse me while I enjoy a moment of repose.