Wow.

Good nesssss (The children are our future...a medley)

Sigh... (There's a quiet place...gospel)

Pure songggg... (Arsenio Hall show, acapella)

Ouch. Ow. (Best of, live medley)

Noooo oo o oooo (Tribute to Aretha with Mary J, check out the anunciation on that intro!)

I can't believe I spent yet another night crying to Whitney Houston performances on YouTube. What the fuck is wrong with me...seriously.

But...WAIT!


AHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!

AHA!

Oh, just when it seemed the old youtube sun would never shine....I come across this genius clip of Whitney on a French talk show with a drunk man. Apparently it's infamous. You must watch it. He comes across like a brilliant character actor in a sketch. It's an Alan Partridge-caliber scenario--but in real life.

Hats off to you, reality!

PS Drunk man = Serge Gainsbourg

PPS Also, here's her debut performance at 19 on the Merv Griffin show (1983).

And finally, blasting at you through your mobile device.

My ringtones are now up on Comedy Central.

If I could be a matchmaker for dogs online

I'd throw these guys together in a room:

Olympic Swan Song

Here's a post on the Whitney debacle, including a brief audio file...

Thanks 2 DG

Do you ever get the feeling

That there's just one person at google assigned to this job?


And that is their fulltime job?

And the person is in a room all day, all week, constantly pitching and drawing google logo modifications? They feel so guilty for not having enough to do. There aren't enough holidays and international events to substantiate their job, yet the job exists. They even have their own office and a title. It's so stressful for this person but they put that stress energy into their work.

Variety Shac in Woodstock. With: David Cross, Jon Benjamin.

MARCH 25TH.
WOODSTOCK.

The show is at the Bearsville Theater, 2 miles west of the Rt. 375 and Rt. 212 Junction.

It's a benefit for the Woodstock Land Conservancy, and is a Goathouse Fever production.

If you've never been up to Woodstock, it's beautiful and just a quick drive/bus ride/train away. This is a great opportunity to take a weekend trip and also soak in some comedy and music (bands and djs).

* Bus Info: http://www.trailwaysny.com/
* Train Info: www.amtrak.com
* Lodging Info: http://www.woodstockchamber.com/lodging.html

Sky Top Motel
30 Forest Hill, Kingston, NY 12401
(845) 331-2900
Rates: $60-85

Twin Gables
73 Tinker St., Woodstock, NY 12498
(845) -679-9479/5638
twngabls@ulster.net
$59-$110 V/MC/D/ AE

Highwoods House
701 Zena-Highwoods Road, Woodstock, NY 12401
(845) -679-5254
email: highwood@bestweb.net
$75 cash/checks

Hate to hammer you over the head with information,

but...BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Re: Party flyers that say "costumes encouraged"

You guys have fun.

Ol' CP is out of the running!

My regards to Florida

Very nicely done on the pink grapefruit.

Here's a joke

How did the doctor become invisible?

My health plan did not allow me to see him.

Late reminder: TONITE

Stand-Up for Healthcare Access - New York City Free Clinic Comedy Show & Dinner Benefit

Thursday, February 23 - 6:30-9:30pm

Rosenthal Pavilion at the Kimmel Center, located at 60 Washington Square South in Manhattan

Audience to include community members, physicians, government officials, public health officials

6:30-7:30pm - Dinner

Then comics:
Bobby Tisdale (MC), Colin Quinn, Aziz Ansari, Chelsea Peretti, Gregg Rogell, Claudia Cogan, Todd Lynn, Craig Baldo, Dwayne Perkins

Catching Up with Vanilla Ice

Several of you have sent me this link... Cheers!

I don't really say cheers, that's more my brother's thing. But today....? ANYTHING GOES. Why? Because it's Anything Goes Thursday. I encourage you to go for it, whatever "it" may be. For me it was saying cheers.

Will I become an Ambassador to Sprint or not?

At this point it's hard to say. Early indications are looking rather dismal.






~previous post~

Marilyn Merlot

If I'm not mistaken, this is now in my possession (2000). Will keep you posted.

UPDATE: It's very tasty! The friend who gave it to me has no recollection of the cost but feels certain it wasn't $200. He is trying to locate the receipt. Anyone have any knowledge of this wine?

FURTHER UPDATE:
I feel like there's some trick to this that I'm not getting because I'm not a wine connoisseur...

...but I think the moral is don't shop at the Discount Wine Library in Harriman, New York?

Anyhow, I'll be conducting gift appraisal all month.

That's Ambassador Chelsea Peretti, to you.

Is this spam or the opportunity of a lifetime?

Chelsea,

The Sprint Ambassador Team recently visited Chelseaperetti.blogspot.com and wants to invite you to participate in our Ambassador Program.

The Sprint Ambassador Program is all about exploring our latest products and services and allows you to give direct feedback to Sprint. We recently launched the Sprint Power Vision (SM) Network and want to provide you with the full experience, at no charge. Sprint Power Vision Network enables customers to download data at faster speeds and experience new data products.

So what’s the deal?
As a qualified participant, we will send you one Sprint Power Vision phone and provide you with six months of all-access service (at no charge). You’ll have access to the Sprint Music Store(SM) live TV broadcasts, gaming and more. Yes, you will also have unlimited free calling and data service. It’s a pretty good deal and all we ask for in return is your candid feedback (you decide how much and how often).

Register at: http://ambassador.sprint.com/
You will need your unique registration code: [registrationcode]

If you have questions regarding the registration process or the program, please email us at AmbassadorProgram@sprint.com

We look forward to receiving your registration!

The Sprint Ambassador Team


Honestly I prefer "dignitary." I'd be more inclined to involve myself in the Sprint Dignitary Program. That way whenever I took the train into Manhattan people could refer to me not just as Chelsea Peretti, but as a visiting dignitary, which I've always craved.

PART 2: ICE BY ICE The Vanilla Ice Story in His Own Words

One of my favorite books that I own is ICE BY ICE, first printed in 1991. If you are doubting that the 164 page book is truly in Vanilla Ice's "own words" as the subtitle claims--do not worry. It is. There is no way VI had any assistance in forming the sentences and thoughts contained within this paperback treasure's colorful flaps.

Here's a part where Vanilla explains his haircare regimen:

"To get my hair real high in the front, where the streak is, I use mousse and hairspray--a lot of hairspray. But not just any hairspray, I've got this one special kind I use. When I travel, I've got one suitcase just for my hairsprays and mousses. "

Part One

Happy 4:20 bro!

Any time I'm sitting on a memorial bench

or in a memorial garden or playing basketball on some memorial courts, I sigh contentedly and think: "I am so glad this person died!"

-------------------------------------------------------------
Moral: You gotta be careful setting up a memorial. For example, if you are the person who would set mine up if--goddess spirit forbid!--I were to die, please set up the following memorials:

Mathematics Center Memorial for Chelsea Peretti
C&P Block Tax Memorial Center
Fresh Kills Chelsea Peretti Memorial Bench
Chelsea Peretti Memorial Fraud Investigation Team

This way, everyone experiencing the memorial will wish I had never died so they wouldn't have to suffer my wretched memorial.

Tea, Cheese

Tea: Bigelow Vanilla Chai

Cheese: Humboldt Fog

107.5 WBLS:

Guys, shut the fuck up already about Puerto Rico trip. It's like being hammered over the head with a huge hammer. I mean a really, really big, huge hammer. If I could never hear Steve Harvey say the words "Puerto Rico" again, I'd be a happy little girl. And I do mean tiny little baby girl.

Some Things You May Not Know About Pregnancy

Because my friend just had a baby, it was a chance for me to learn some things. It's kind of insane that I knew none of this.

*Moms can be in labor (having intense contractions) for days.
*Vaginal tearing (not crying--other pronunciation and meaning) is common and so is the tearing (crying) of the perineum (aka taint).
*You can get a painkiller (epidural) or not. Up to you.
*After the baby is delivered, the placenta has to be birthed. Sit tight. Don't go running off. You gotta birth that placenta.
*Moms bleed heavily for like 6 weeks after the birth because all the stuff that was flowing to feed baby keeps flowing!
*Babies need to learn to breastfeed during a week or so long period. It's called latching. They have to learn how to do it properly.
*An endorphin or something is released when a woman breastfeeds.

Get someone pregnant in order to learn more.

Couple birthday month thoughts.

I feel like as I get older I only get more and more hilarious. I'm going to have to "hold on tight for the ride" for the rest of my exciting life!

Do you read my blog because you sort of hate me? I think that's 40-50% of any blog readership. Anyhow, if so, you must especially hate this post where I talk about how hilarious I am.

Hey.

Just saying hey and posting this new pic. Does that count as content or do you feel sort of cheated?

Junior's Cheesecake Hype

It's not hype.

ICE BY ICE The Vanilla Ice Story in His Own Words

One of my favorite books that I own is ICE BY ICE, first printed in 1991. If you are doubting that the 164 page book is truly in Vanilla Ice's "own words" as the subtitle claims--do not worry. It is. There is no way VI had any assistance in forming the sentences and thoughts contained within this paperback treasure's colorful flaps.

Here's a part where Vanilla explains the hook to his most famous song:

"I always solved my own person problems and stuff like that. I never needed to talk to anyone to solve my problems. I take care of them myself. A lot of people need someone to talk to, but I've never been able to open up and do that. Never could, never will. That's just the way I am. And that's just exactly where the 'Ice, Ice, Baby' hook came from--'If there was a problem, yo, I'll solve it.' "

As a person I am insanely playful and a ton of fun to be around!

I'M FUN! I'M FUN!

THIS IMAGE SHOWS YOU I'M FUN!

MY BLOG ALLOWS ME TO PROJECT AN IMAGE OF MYSELF! YAY!!!! FUN GIRL! P-TAILS! ALWAYS HAVING FUN! SUUUUPER PLAYFUL!

A GIGGLY GAL AND A TON OF FUN TO MAKE LOVE TO! AND FUN! JUST ALL AROUND FUN!

There is a party tonight where I will be dancing up a t-storm.

Thinking about Bill Hicks, as promised, I will also be pouring out cocktails all over the place. Other people's. Whenever I pour a little out for a dead homie I do it with someone else's drink.

FYI

If you were around for The Great Debate, pls enjoy.


UPDATE: A reader writes in via my myspace account:

"for an adult to order apple juice at an establishment is ridiculous and hilarious and ripe for ridicule leading to hilarity, however adults drinking apple juice isn't uncommon or odd. i personally dont drink it because i like to stay unsticky with the least amount of effort possible and also i no longer like its taste, but many adults still purchase apple juice from local grocers and enjoy it, albeit usually cutting it with water first. or, failing that, many melting ice cubes."

Thank you for your thorough and just response.

ANOTHER UPDATE! Justin submits this screenshot for your perusal.

V Day Shout

Special shout out to techy guys and guys who know how to build and fix stuff. And guys who can cook. And give good massages. And who wear jeans and hooded sweatshirts and worn t-shirts. And who smell good.

Added show

Wednesday is storytelling night at Monkeytown.

(directions)

All future bios

All my future bios are going to end with: "She lives with her husband and four dogs in Brooklyn."

Like so:


(I've only done it once.)

To the guy who once handed me a Bill Hicks CD...

Probably a couple years ago after a show at Rififi someone handed me a burned Bill Hicks CD. I can't remember who it was now. I listened to it during the blizzard. Thank you.

From BH's site:

"By December Hicks' deterioration was evident and he knew he was dying, moving back to his parents' house in Little Rock in January 1994. On January 6th, his health clearly ailing, he played his final show in New York. In his final weeks he played his mother music by John Hiatt, Miles Davis and Elvis Presley, showed her documentaries on Jimi Hendrix and The Beatles. He read 'Huckleberry Finn' again, tried to get his father to take mushrooms...He looked forward with hope, readied himself for the next life, calling his friends to say goodbye before ceasing to speak on February 14th.

At 11.20pm on Saturday 26th February he died in Little Rock, Arkansas, buried in the family plot in Leakesville, Mississippi. At the memorial service Hicks' brother read out a piece Bill had written and requested be read: "I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit."

I'm going to think about a mute Bill Hicks this Valentine's Day.

So if you were considering asking me to the big v-day formal, probably don't. All I'd be doing is bringing you down by standing in the corner thinking about Bill Hicks being unable to speak.

Holed up, avoiding the

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MONTH TO ME

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MONTH TO ME,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MONTH TO ME,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MONTH TO MEEEEEEeeeee.......
AAAAHAPPY BIRTHDAY MONTH TO ME!

Why does Puffy use Proactive?

"I didn't want no bumps on my face, I'm gonna be straight up, that's why I use Proactive." --PD

What more can I say?

DATZ WHAT ZUP!



DOT NET FUCKERS!

BOOKCLUB

UPDATE! VIDEO NOW FULLY FUNCTIONAL!




The new Shac short, featuring guest appearances by Andy Milonakis and Fred Armisen (up in record time, with special thanks to the very special Jason Lam and Eric Kissack)!

And more thanks to Alex Reppen at Datagram.

And more 2: Michael, Brendan, and Christian.

And thanks to my favorite tea shop Sympathy for the Kettle.

ONLY TWO DAYS TIL MONDAY!

MON-DAY! MON-DAY!

Brilliant way to propose...

Blogger JK tells a tale of a museum-based marriage proposal (inside job).



How could you say no?

...

"This art is shit." I guess would work.

1st Attempt at Late Nite Dining in Brooklyn

BOOOOOOOOOOOOO

If you are a Citysearch member feel free to write something to the effect of: "Although this is technically a 24-hour diner, atmospherically it is more dead than a morgue or stack of dead people in some historical atrocity."

"hahahhaha" in IM--MORE TRICKS!

(An update on this post.)

hahaahhaahahahhaaaaattentionspanwaning

hahahahaannoying

hahahahaanythingbut (as in: "funny, right?")

hahahahagainstmybetterjudgement

hahahahaaasshole

Attention

We've moved to a new webhost and have killed off thevarietyshac.com.

Please re-link to the simpler varietyshac.com.

Thanks!

VARIETY SHAC IN WOODSTOCK (WITH DAVID CROSS, JON BENJAMIN!)

Save the date, reserve a hotel........

MARCH 25TH.
WOODSTOCK.

This is a benefit for the Woodstock Land Conservancy.

If you've never been up to Woodstock, it's beautiful and just a quick drive/bus ride/train away. This is a great opportunity to take a weekend trip and also soak in some comedy and music!

* Bus Info: http://www.trailwaysny.com/
* Train Info: www.amtrak.com
* Lodging Info: http://www.woodstockchamber.com/lodging.html

Sky Top Motel
30 Forest Hill, Kingston, NY 12401
(845) 331-2900
Rates: $60-85

Twin Gables
73 Tinker St., Woodstock, NY 12498
(845) -679-9479/5638
twngabls@ulster.net
$59-$110 V/MC/D/ AE

Highwoods House
701 Zena-Highwoods Road, Woodstock, NY 12401
(845) -679-5254
email: highwood@bestweb.net
$75 cash/checks

FURTHER DETAILS TBA ON VARIETYSHAC.COM

I just spent 20 hours on this.

See you tonight!

HAPPY FRIDAY*!

THANK G DASH D!

TGIF**!!!


* = Tuesday.
** = Tuesday.

Cryptic emails--MORE LIKE SUCK A DIKTIC EMAILS!

I hate cryptic emails. I know, I know, I get it--I'm supposed to write you back with a thousand questions! What do you mean? Who told you that? How did you know that happened? Wait, so, are you saying.....

If you want to correspond, then correspond, if you're not ready that's totally fine. Take a breather.

Words are very unnecessary

Words like violence
Break the silence
Come crashing in
Into my little world
Painful to me
Pierce right through me
Can’t you understand
Oh my little girl

All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm

Vows are spoken
To be broken
Feelings are intense
Words are trivial
Pleasures remain
So does the pain
Words are meaningless
And forgettable

All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm

Enjoy the silence

Shoelace instructions

Need more creativity in your life?

Little reminder: Tues 7th

to join us at the Variety Shac: Chelsea Peretti, Heather Lawless, Shonali Bhowmik and Andrea Rosen. With special guests: Cory Arcangel, Val Kappa & At Least It's Pink.

Plus, our new short film!

Galapagos (through bar area into back room)
70 N. 6th St.
8:30 sharp
(get there on time, I think it's going to be crowded)

$5 suggested donation

YAY! IT'S FRIIIIIIIDAY!!!!!

T.G.I.F.!!

PHEW.

I COULD. NOT. TAKE. ANOTHER DAAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!

I'M OUTTTAAAAAAAAA HERE!

Jk. It's Monday.

The shaggy boy haircut

I want to say this tentatively...are any guys getting sick of having the shaggy hippy bowl cut thing on yourselves?

Don't get me wrong I do love nice hair, but I'm thinking shaved heads should make a bit of a comeback.

As you may or may not know,

I'm going to Aspen this year as part of an internet show. I have not yet been informed of any lodgings.

Once again, the internet provides...

AND THE WINNER OF THE "FIND ME A BIRTHING VIDEO CROTCH SHOT" IIIIISSSSS

ANDY MILONAKIS, who writes: "Here you go, it was one of my bookmarks."

Read Andy's blog here.

All I can say is homeboy delivered the goods. This video is ridiculous. I will not have sex FOR WEEKS!

Prize goes to the first person who can find me an online video of a birth

My friend is pregnant and it's time I see what this is all about. My little suitcase is all packed up and ready to go and the second she calls--I'm flying to Puerto Rico! I need a break. It's too stressful...

Me and Andrea are sitting here searching for vids. All she could find was **this HILARIOUS thing**. (I guess it's not safe for work if you work for a bunch of dickheads. It's just a pregnant woman in a water-birthing scenario with no crotch shots.) The thing to watch out for is the ridiculous husband getting his head swabbed and then straddling his wife and newborn.

Here's a couple screenshots 4 yas:





Anyhow, I want direct crotch shots so I can see how this works.

Your prize: A cold and distant gratitude. I'm warning you right now a lengthy correspondance is NOT going to blossom out of this link if you provide it for me. It's too awkward.

Some Great IM Advice from a Baby

Baby ID revealed here

What if I Threw BLANK Out a Window?

I'd like to host a TV show called "What if I Threw BLANK Out a Window?" It would consist of my favorite type of humor where I'd imagine how funny it would be if I threw certain stuff out a window. I've always loved the idea of throwing myself out a window very casually, mid-conversation, but that would be harder to pitch as a series.

Today I was editing the next Shac short for our upcoming Tues. 7th show. I was in the room with super editor Eric K. and Ms. Andrea Rosen. We'd been there for hours. I began to rap/sing Oaktown classic "You Can't Touch This" of Oaktown's own MC Hammer. The window was open, so mid-song, I go: "What if I just threw myself out the window." Andrea looks up and says: "What were her last words?" The correct answer rang through all our minds with its silent, searing ring: "YOU CAN'T TOUCH THIS!" BAM! Out a window! We laughed and laughed. Andrea is now on MySpace.

Girlgers

If I opened a burger joint I'd have Boy-gers and Girlgers.

Restaurateur's Rule No. 1: It's always fun for patrons to order food with concepty names.

If you would like

to go to a show at Gotham at 9ish on Monday--and would like no cover and no drink min--email me.

Benefit show- great comics, awesome cause

What:
Stand-up for Healthcare Access- New York City Free Clinic Comedy Show & Dinner Benefit

When:
Thursday, February 23rd, 6:30pm

With:
Colin Quinn, Greg Giraldo, Gregg Rogell, Dwayne Perkins, Todd Lynn, Bobby Tisdale, Aziz Ansari, Nick Kroll, Chelsea Peretti, Claudia Cogan

Where: Rosenthal Pavilion at the Kimmel Center, 60 Washington Sq South

Why: The New York City Free Clinic (NYCFC), New York's only FREE comprehensive health clinic for the uninsured, is looking to increase funding to meet the overwhelming demand for services.

How much: $50, including dinner. Ticket information is available through NYU Ticket Central at (212) 998-4941 or by visiting http://www.med.nyu.edu/nycfreeclinic/, starting February 3rd.

Just saw

3 homeless men sitting on the bench at the subway and one was saying to another: "You 65? You don't look 65!"

They all looked drug-ravaged to the point of agelessness.

I thought: "You all look 65!!!"

In my head, I was being sitcom-sassy and hilarious.

I could almost hear a laugh track enveloping the end of the thought.

But this is really more of a sad thing I saw.