PERETTI

Words most people use to describe me

Chill
"Laidback"
Easygoing

Q: What's very tasty right now?

A: Cherries.

Help!

Help, oh, please help! Diddy and his friends "the Chinese" want us dead!



I can't wrap my head around it...why does this rapper want us to be dead?



Please help! I don't want Puffy to kill me! Or P. Diddy or any of them! He has so many nommes and he wants my blood splattered! Aaaaahhhhh!!! I'm shaking! I'm very cute and shaking. I'm frazzled.



How could Puffy do this?



Our fur isn't even so great. Is Puffy blind or does he just want us dead for kicks? I'm so frightened, as a small, small animal. I'm scared of what Puffy is capable of with the Chinese behind him, backing his evil whims with regards to our lives!

HELP!

Song of the day:Silent Night. Who wrote that shit? Great lyrics.

Update: Looks like another case of the ol' "died penniless". (Thanks P.C. for the link)

Craving Carbonara

Never google image search that which you crave...

Cancel that "Merry Christmas" (due to Jews)

Love,
The Airport

Merry Christmas!

Love,
The Airport

Guess which is my favorite news item below

Hint: oink, oink.

Hitchens: a funny, funny dude!

Very funny article from Vanity Fair's Christopher Hitchens.

Couple random thoughts as I read along:

Sauce bearnaise--HAHA I haven't laughed this hard in ages this guy must be a great fuck.

Someone went to college!!!

Wait, which planet are men from and which are women from again??

An expert Depends reference. It's as if he took something old and hacky and breathed life into it by making it singular and fancier and more academic-sounding!

The sheer quantity of citations and sources culled is hilarious.

How am I STILL laughing!!!!

I'll be 100% honest: I wanted to read this article with dismissive boredom but then it was so damn fucking funny line-for-line...credit where credit is due, bro.

Finally! A home fragrance you can live with!!!!

Who doesn't love the smell of Siberian Pine! Though I do not own a home, I own a home fragrance mist. I suppose what they say is true...home is where the home fragrance mist is sprayed!



I own the candle too...the whole collection is wonderful...Thymes: Frasier Fir...

Wouldn't that be funny if you flash to me and I'm in a dirty bathrobe with a water glass full of whiskey and pills strewn all about my desk.

Conversation Enders

PERSON 1 (pointing, very excited):
Oh!! Have you ever been to that restaurant?

PERSON 2:
Once.

Eating a burrito at the movies is impermissible. Same goes for on the subway. Save it.

Holiday video

Thanks to all who came out to the Variety Shac last night, it was a really fun crowd and a nice night.

I was an English major and yet insist upon using words like "fun" and "nice." (I barely understand if these words are adjectives, or I would have said "I was an English major and yet insist upon using adjectives like "fun" and "nice.") Sometimes I think I'm willfully ignorant. "Willfully ignorant" sounds pretty good, doesn't it? Hopefully I've regained some respect there. Is "regained" a word? I don't have time to google.

Anyhow, last night we screened the SHAC holiday short film GANESHA.

I suggest you watch GANESHA.

In closing, GANESHA.

Happy holidays.

Dec 11, 13, 15 comedy

Dec 11
Ars Nova
511 W 54th
7pm private party

Dec 13
Invite Them Up
332 E 11th
8:30pm

Dec 15
The Duplex
61 Christopher
9:30pm

Be there or suk a dik!!!

Attitude toward injury

When I see a guy in a neck brace I like to go "Hey! Nice turtleneck!!" and then laugh like a jock in an 80s movie and high five all my ridiculously buff friends.

She's weighin' on my mind and it won't let up
I couldn't get enough of her
She's out on the town and she's all dressed up
I couldn't get enough of her
She walked into the room and the place lit up
I couldn't get enough of her
Distance is lifting me up
I couldn't get enough of her love
I couldn't get enough of her

Coffee break!

Let's take a quick coffee break together to catch up on stuff...

There we are.


Casual, cup of joe, perfect.

It feels so comfortable and real.

Aaaanyhow, what's up with me? Hm. Well, it feels great to be back in town and to have a nice big fat Variety Shac around the bend...hey, want to come? You should totally come. We're coffee buddies. Yeah. Come. Man, I love having coffee with you. It's always great like this.

...THIS THURSDAY, DECEMBER 7TH AT 8:30PM...

VARIETY SHAC!

* SHONALI BHOWMIK * HEATHER LAWLESS * ANDREA ROSEN * CHELSEA PERETTI *

With:
Chris Parnell !
Patrick Borelli !
Eric Slovin !
&
Logjam !

Thurs. Dec. 7
8:30pm
Galapagos (back room)
70 N. 6th St
$5

ChicBulls, etc

Think I should go for a Chicken Bulletin on MySpace?



Reasons "for:"
I do want every person online to know what is up with me as much as possible.

Reasons "against:"
Eh.

Speaking of MySpace, something I'm kind of into is to message/comment very close friends with: "You seem cool."

First caught the bug in June of '06:


And now, back on the horse!

Good old days

Tan.
Athletic.
Liked Zebras.
Had a best friend.
Able to do backflips.

Here's a way to deal with a boring story...

[Person begins a boring story...]

"Hold on, gimme a second, I gotta shut down my mind. Okay...go."

Then you're all set and no hard feelings, everyone knows what's going on.

Unfortunately, no advice on how to deal with a boring blog post.

By the way, more Time Out NY video

Inside Comedy: PART 3!!!

Highlights of this "online vid" include:
*Me seriously quoting Madonna!
*More meandering blather!
*More intense music.
*More tense laughter.
*And finally: the saddest cheers.

Even though I don't know how to fix computers I'd like to wear this shirt around

[Via Cory Arcangel's MySpace page!&^&^%!!!!]

What to say to the crowd that has it all?

I ate a steak and an ice cream sundae tonight. Sometimes I don't know if I eat healthy or if eating healthy eats me, bigtime.

If you have audio enabled on your computer...

go on ahead and treat yourself to this eyeglasses site.

I don't know what this says about me in particular, but I just spent a good 20 minutes mousing over "kids, plastic, kids, plastic, kids, plastic..." and just zoning out to the music.

I feel like I gained some clarity on stuff. Like: Do I want to have kids? Ans: Plastic.

In lieu of text, I offer only:

Hm, 1, 2, 3...or 4?!

1. Pros: A ton of pride. Cons: Gay pride.

2. Pros: Heroin addict. Cons: Hairdo.

3. Pros: Seems very centered, great smile. Cons: Douche?

4. Pros: Grass in background looks nice and green. Cons: Dead space in the middle of the photo.

"Oh, New York tap water is the greatest...Oh, it's high quality water, NY water...I drink it all the time, straight from the faucet..."

Please, shut up. Consider shutting up.

Some Reasons Why an Open Casket Funeral Is a Good Idea:

• A final, physical moment helps provide a feeling of closure with the cadaver.

• Talking to a dead person can help prepare teenagers for a future "marraige experience."

• Religious services are more affecting if there's a body to physically point to on key talking points.

• Deep sobbing is good for your bowels.

• "You stop complaining and open that casket! There are people throwing their dead into mass pits in other parts of the world!"

• If a person falls in the ground and no one's there to see it--did that person really die? Hard to say, let's play it safe.

• Alleviates detachment!

Isn't it funny how when you're in Woodstock, NY or Santa Cruz, CA

you find yourself saying "healthful" so much more? Like almost every other word?

And as a goodbye, as in: "Have a healthful afternoon!"

Do you do it because you think it will make people like you more or is it just that you're truly getting into the groove and vibing hard?

Comedy Roundtable Discussion

PART 2

I miss fat Britney.

JUST KIDDING!

DEMS!

Triumph for the DEMS! Dems the breaks! Dems done it! Glittering like precious Dems! Way to go Dems on being Dems! Dems'R'Dems! Go DEMS! You're demsigods! I'll be your private Demscer! OOOOoooo!!! DEMS! Demming it up! Let's go Dems. Demsel in distress! Demsel Washington.

Demszzz.zzz....zzz...zzz...demmsssmzzzmzzzzzzz.....

[Aaaaand lights dem....SCENE.]

Pact: Let's never say "Dems" again. No matter what. Okay?

CHELSEA PERETTI ON "DEMS" / OFFICIAL TAGLINE FOR THIS POST:
Give that abbreviation its "baba" and its "bwanky" -- because that abbreviation is officially tired!

Internet find!

I located a really cool resource for election info, etc. Check it out and let people know what you think. If you like it, spread the word.

Mo Pitkins tonight

Doing stand up at Mike Birbiglia's Secret Public Journal Live CBS show at Mo Pitkins, 8pm, 34 Ave A.

New Variety Shac Shorts...UP!

TEAM OF DOCTORS: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

Enjoy

Greg Johnson Show

I will be appearing with my team of bodyguards at the Greg Johnson show tonight, 8:30pm. 332 E 11th St.

Stupid IM Tricks

Too soon?

WHY?

WHY?

WHY?
WHY?
WHY?

WHY?




WHY?

WHY?

WHY?

VARIETY SHAC, Two Year Anniversary!

Hey Jackie JOYNER Kersee!!! Why don't you come JOYN the Variety Shac for our special 2-year anniversary show? The whole gang is in town: SHONALI BHOWMIK, HEATHER LAWLESS, ANDREA ROSEN, & CHELSEA PERETTI.

It's tonight. And it promises to be a swell time.

Variety Shac
Thurs, Nov. 2
8:30pm
Galapagos (back room)
70 N. 6th St.
$5

We have 50 amazing gift bags to give to the first 50 people. That's the kind of opulence that really belongs to a 50-year anniversary, but we're going to offer it on our second.

With: The Bordeaux Twins

And: Some short films. What happens when Heather is unable to report for duty at our short film shoot? That question is answered by our disgusting short film.

Lazy Tuesday

Today is Lazy Tuesday!

In honor:

*Don't pay outstanding bills.
*Do not put together a Halloween costume.
*Don't exercise.
*Don't answer your mobile device.
*Sweatpants.
*Cupcake.
*No makeup.
*No lotion..dry skin.

Your motto for today: "Eh, skip it."

As my high school English teacher used to write on papers in red pen: AVANTI!

Chris Isaak

When I went to visit my brother in college one year he convinced me to like Chris Isaak. I was reticent to say the least (3rd def).

But we drove around listening to his CD and my brother was like: "He's funny. Listen to him, he's funny." I said WELL WAX OFF MR MIYAGI BECAUSE I THINK YOU HAVE A POINT! And then we shared a deep and genuine laugh together over every lyric and every wail.

Anyhow, now I do really love Chris Isaak. His songs are funny and great to indulge in over chocolate cakes. I eat a choc cake per song, that's how I treat myself when I need a few days off.

Only just tonight, when ambling around the internet with my long, imaginary legs, I enjoyed Mr. Isaak's commentary on his "Wicked Game" music video (if you remember, this video was on par with Janet Jackson's beach video for classy black-and-white hotness).

I feel his commentary confirms our belief that he is funny (and that it's a with-him-rather-than-at-him funny).

I don't know why I feel like I'm fighting you or who "you" are...but think it over.

Hahaha

So, the Time Out roundtable discussion was filmed.

Check out this video--it's like television's 24!!! The music is genius. As is the shot of the formidable wooden doors slooooowly opening into the room where we're all seated...AT THE ROUND TABLE!

Hahaha. Our water glasses.

Whew.

...

And the segment linked above is "Part 1 of 3."

ENJOY!

Time Out NY, Humor Issue

On Stands / Online Now


Roundtable discussion with Anne Harris, Ted Alexandro, Mike Britt, Paul Scheer, and the very funny Gilbert Gottfried at the Friars Club.

Park Slope, T-shirt idea:

FUCK THE CO-OP

It gets conversations going.

The Texting News

When someone texts you an invite, you can now just write back: "No." That's finally okay to do.

In other texting news...did you hear about the new game sweeping our country? It's called "WHAT'S UP, TEAM?"

Here's how to play "WHAT'S UP, TEAM?" :

You get a group of friends out to eat or whatnot--hanging out. You all pull out your phones and individually locate a name/num of someone you barely ever talk to but who for some reason remains in your cellphone. You each text your selected acquaintence the phrase: "What's up, team?" The texter who gets the first response gets a lot of heat. Then they share the response with the table. Other responses are shared throughout the meal as they roll in, and compared for greatness. Expect a lot of variations on "Who is this?" (these will be surprisingly satisfying).

Modifications:
*Other agreed-upon phrases can be used (in first or subsequent rounds).
*The texting of multiple parties is allowed.

You are sitting there, dubious, or: "fraught with uncertainty or doubt." Reject that part of yourself and cling to your eagerness and optimism. This is a game you will enjoy. Lock it away in your memory and bring it out at the right time. Let me know how it goes.

This has been the texting news.

VH1 Wendy Williams

TONIGHT: "The Wendy Williams Experience" premieres at 11:30pm

Updated

Media page

Sunday night, next Tuesday night

Sunday, Oct 22nd

Asssscat @ Upright Citizens Brigade
307 W. 26th St.
9:30pm


Tuesday, Oct 24th

LVHRD: Fashion Duel 3
9pm to 11

Village Voice

Link

Sometimes you're just surfing around the internet

And you find something that really, really grabs you. And you cannot take your eyes off that thing for a few seconds of pure mirth.


Comedian Dan Newbower

Anyone heard the new Sleepys song on the radio? Radio equivalent.

Women aren't really pretty in reality!!

Thanks NN

I've outdone myself

What a thoughtful list.

Made a good meal recently?

J's Meal:

goat cheese, smoked provolone with biscuits, on a wooden tray with very ripe persimmons

rice made in homemade chicken broth

black beans with garlic and salt

blanched spinach and chard with sesame seeds (gomazio seeds, the japanese kind) and lemon

stir fried fennel, carrot, red onion, and peperoncino, almost raw

baked squash in olive oil and garlic

hard boiled farm egg (with bright orange yolk), sliced in little rounds, with salt and pepper (such a nice, unexpected compliment)

red wine/ filtered water

for dessert, persimmons and mint tea

Adam Wade, King of Hoboken

You may have watched my visit to Hoboken to visit Adam Wade and try the Italian Tuna sandwich from Fiores. (Sidenote: number one question people ask me about it is "Is it really good?" Do you think I would fake it? Do you think I would fake like it was hellof good for the sake of UTube? I don't get it.)



Anyhow, apparently Wade has secretly fucking FRANCHISED this whole puttering around Hoboken DIY video thing. And left me in the dust (in spite of our plans to return to Fiore's for the roast beef and mozz sandwich which I admittedly did not follow through on). He even has a fancy produced open!

Anyhow, I must say I love his vids in Hoboken. You know when you've found your "thing." This is his:

Hanging Out with Wade in Hoboken Episode 1

Hanging Out with Wade in Hoboken Episode 2

Hanging Out with Wade in Hoboken Episode 3

Hanging Out with Wade in Hoboken Episode 4

Hanging Out with Wade in Hoboken Episode 5

Playgirl and Peretti

ATTN: GAYLORDS

CHECK FOR MY NOVEMBER COVER PIECE:


Back to School issue:
Wrote about a kindly cowboy I once met. His thighs approximated above.


-------------------------------
BACK ISSUES:
Other instances of Peretti in Playgirl...
-------------------------------


Man of the Year issue:
Nominated myself for "Man of the Year" due to my dating style at the time. AT THE TIME!


Humor issue:
Variety Shac comments on photos.

Park Slope: So Far, So Good!

(Not pictured: 5 babies, nanny, wedge of distraction/distance)

OOo!!! It's secret ingredient time!

You are never going to cook the same again.







Smoked salt.