Marilyn Mondays...

"Mondays are Marilyn, manifested."

BELIEVE IT!

I made a trip out to Hoboken in '05

to try this sandwich that Adam Wade kept talking about. Apparently his documentary about the journey has caught on. Also: check out his brief and bizarre interviews with people like Coach Mike Ditka and Reverend Run of Run DMC.

Here's a shirt my mom got me back in the day:

Just to let me know that, like all left-handed people...
I was also left-handed.

Did I believe I was special? Did I not? It's hard to say. That was my poker face at the time.

Variety Shac, Tuesday May 2nd

heather lawless chelsea peretti andrea rosen shonali bhowmik

music comedy short film more

$5

special guests:
michael showalter brett gelman josh lewis teenagers

! new short film !

8:30pm
70 n. 6th St.
galapagos--------> in the back room

always so excited for it
see you there

Rufus. Missin Ya.

This is the only guy I've ever loved.



And this one guy in Philly with a soulpatch.

Shows

TONIGHT (April 26, 8pm)
I'm hosting a show at Ars Nova: "Hello I'm Special"
It's author Hal Niedzvieki's NY book release party, as well as the Jewcy relaunch. Andrea Rosen, Eric Drysdale, and Michael Showalter are performing among other illustrious types, and there is a panel of judges including Jackie Hoffman and Jesse Oxfeld among other illustrious types. Illustry!
511 W 54th St.

May 3rd, 8pm
I'm doing a special 25 minute set--come laugh.
Comedy Is For Humans
Mundial, 505 E. 12th St.

Welcome to Marilyn Mondays...

A new feature on the blog. It will consist of the title "Marilyn Monday," and a photograph.



And a tag line.

Mmmmm, put a little Marilyn...in your Monday.

Possibly this week only!

Did you know I used to do stand up back in "old times"?

Gift idea:

Pillowcases

I think "cool pillowcases" is a good idea for a gift.

My friend just finished shitting all over this idea. Guess who won't be getting any cool pillowcases come bday time?

Yeah...it's not ringing out as much of a threat.

P.S. I'm 50 years old and a mother of four. I love lattes!

I normally don't do online dating

but...now I think I'm finally ready.

Do you find yourself missing Brian Peppers?

Then go here and spend a little time mentally saying hi.

Via Nate

Invite Them Up, tonight

Also, I'll be performing at Invite Them Up this Wednesday evening.

RiFiFi (Cinema Classics)
332 E. 11th Street (BTW 1st & 2nd Ave.), NYC
Doors @ 8:30 PM, $5

Wednesday is upon us, friends.

Are we still quite exhausted? Yes. Is acupuncture amazing? Quite. Is there a solid blog post in us at the current hour? Debatable.* Will there be a ton to follow? Indubitable.

*How is it 'debatable'? You clearly haven't pulled through with a solid blog post. Congrats. You win the debate.

TGIT!

You made it to Tuesday, you little scamp!

I am fatigued and going to bed. More soon.

Orange Kist

My favorite time to write is 7ish AM on a Saturday...

There's nothing like that quietude you find in the wee bright hours of a Saturday morning. This is when my mind is ALIVE. I play Scrabble against myself, I run sprints, I do my sudoku, I do tons of squats, and I do Mensa mind challenges. I like to be done with all of this by 8 sharp. That's when I switch into "leisure mode" and chill.

See also: "Person Who Likes Fall"

Guess who had a lot of fun hanging out in a cab after the show the other night?

Bonus pic:

Hear Ye, Hear Ye

I did acupuncture.

Show tonight, show tomorrow

Tonight WEDNESDAY APRIL 12 the ever so special Storytelling Show, hosted by Andrea Rosen at yummy food and amazing atmosphere haven Monkeytown. With Michael Showalter, Todd Levin, Chelsea Peretti, Andrea Rosen. Prepare to be tucked away on a secret street in a secret room, hearing secret stories. 58 N 3rd St (btw. Kent & Wythe) Williamsburg, Brooklyn. 8pm.

Tomorrow THURSDAY APRIL 13TH Nick Kroll hosts his magical comedy magic at Cinema Classics aka Rififi. 332 E. 11th St. (btw 1st and 2nd Ave). 8pm.

Shonali, Tigers and Monkeys new video "Fire Escape"

WATCH. Aw, she so purty...

Tigers and Monkeys site

Signing off

Ever since I got in a huge fight with Sprint PCS, I've been signing off all my emails "Sprint PCS." It makes me feel so much better!

Try it with Verizon, Time Warner, the California Department of Motor Vehicles --or whoever you're feeling a little bit pissed at!

It works!

Forever,
Sprint PCS

Any hairstylists reading?

If so, can you contact me?

C

Stand-up: Routine Behavior

I always start with a quick old skool rap.


I always ask the guy on lights to do some really specific type of lighting on the underside of my cheeks and nose. I need it "just so." We'll sometimes have to tech that for hour after lonely hour. Well, I'm sure he gets lonely, but for me this is my biggest social moment of the day.


Then I read my Audience Contract aloud to the audience. I drone it because it's long. Before I'll perform a single joke for any live entity, I request they sign this extensive contract. Much of it has to do with Laughter Requirements and Body Language Policys (henceforth known as "BLPs").


Then they sign a smaller, less comprehensive contract which is still completely binding. Don't be fooled by the smallness of it, it's still a completely fucked up contract. Oldest trick in the book: small font, small contract. "Oh, won't you sign this weency beency wittle contwact? It's ever so smawwllll...no harm in signing..." SLAM! You're locked in a virtual prison for dozens of years. As an audience, you have GOT to be careful.

AND THEN IT'S GO-TIME.

Late night tableau

I just heard a man screaming at the top of his lungs, shrieking into the night. I ran to the window to stare down at the street. It was silent for a second, but as my ears continued to strain, I could suddenly hear vague things about a dog.

Then a man saying: "Sorry about that, man."

Then he comes into sight. A slim drunk man in a tight white t-shirt and jeans, walking a loop-d-loop with his dog on a leash. Lord only knows what horrible activity the dog had just completed, but the funny part was the drunk owner with a lit cigarette in his hand, back all hunched, arms up, paused for a second, hovering, squinting down at his dog intensely: "What the fuck are you doing, man?" He talked to that dog like a friend who had fucked up big time. Then he'd get all geared up to resume his zig-zagging along but would stop again to stare at that dog: "What the fuck!" The dog did not know what to say.

Me and my friend

Her name is Marilyn.

Saturday Night, Live Show

This Saturday (the 8th) at 11pm, I'll be doing a guest spot on a Roger Hailes, Victor Varnado, and Jordan Carlos-produced comedy show: "Flying Blind," in which we all will do a short set, then improvise stand-up off of yelled-out audience suggestions. I would have named this show "The Positive Heckling Show" or "Advanced Heckler Retorting/Storytelling" but then I never was one for names.

At the PIT: 154 W. 29th St., $8, 11pm

I have trouble remembering names.

Who really cares? Apparently, a great many people (who--due to journalistic integrity--shall remain nameless).

Here's a few things you can do if you want to give your name more sticking power:

1. Offer me a million dollars. Then tell me your name.
2. Have your name be something original, like "Elephantitis." "Oh, hey! I remember you! You were the only person named Elephantitis at that party we both went to."
3. Offer a solid mnemonic device. If you're hirsute: "Hey, my name's Lawrence, or.....Hairy Larry!" Nicely done, Lawrence. See you next time!
4. Know the mind of your new acquaintance. If you cared to ask, I'd let you know I'm a visual learner. Let's have me trace your name on a napkin. You write, I trace. Easy peezy.

~TBC~

Celebrity

Last night I saw Bjork. I saw Bjork out. I went dancing and I saw Bjork. Sure, you see celebrities all the time in NY and you act and generally feel pretty lowkey about it. But this was Bjork and she is more like another creature. It was like seeing a...what's an exotic animal...hold on...IM check:



Friendship is useless.

Plus, I do an impression of her. There was this weird compulsion: "She needs to know that I do an impression of her, she should know that." I kept feeling the illogical urge to have her know that and then remembering she should never care. The thing is with anyone in the public eye, you know them and they don't know you and that's it, end of story. Never try to reverse that in a one second encounter it will always suck for all involved. It's yet another instinct to learn to smother as an advanced human being. Yep, I'm an advanced human being. I'm Level 3.

Then I had a dream I met Wendy Williams. It was the type dream where I was running through a building not sure where I was going and wound up in her studio where she had just finished her show. I saw the window by her and I was freaking out that it was the window.

God, this blog has never sucked more. I'm telling you a dream. I promised myself it would never get like this.

Sometimes, my friends, it's a choice between content and quality. Today, content won.

Why am I uncharacteristically up right now?

I'll give you a hint: it has to do with my love of comedy.

But what does comedy have to do with getting up at this ungodly hour? VERY GOOD QUESTION, TEAM OF PUPILS!

Answer forthcoming...

Photo hint:


Additional early AM trivia:
• Old Outkast CD hitting the spot as a wake-up tune!
• My early morning behavior is like high behavior: when I'm in my room listening to Outkast I don't want that part to ever end. When I'm in the shower--? I do not want to get out of that shower!

It is so interesting to see what you all must go through every day.

Variety Shac extrava-youshouldGO-za!

Come to the Variety Shac tonight, Tuesday the 4th, at 8:30pm sharp.
70 N. 6th St. Williamsburg (L to Bedford). $5 suggested donation.


These dildos will be there.


This vibrant young dildo will certainly be in attendance.

We will show our NEW, 10-MINUTE DOCUMENTARY about what we were all up to before we met! (Catch it now-- it's for our upcoming DVD and will probably not be put online.)

We have special guests such as ERIC SLOVIN, and GREG JOHNSON & SAM BROWN, and CHRIS LEO (music).

It's music and comedy. And it's shared moments.

Sorry. I hate that I got so serious just there. But that is really what this is all about you guys, is majorly sharing some moments, you know? In one way it's weird that I'm sobbing right now, but in another it makes perfect sense.

TAX PREPARATION ON A MONDAY!

MONDAY! TAX PREP! MONDAY! TAX PREP! MONDAY! TAX PREP! MONDAY! TAX PREP! MONDAY! TAX PREP! MONDAY! TAX PREP! MONDAY! TAX PREP! MONDAY! TAX PREP! MONDAY! TAX PREP! MONDAY! TAX PREP! MONDAY! TAX PREP! MONDAY! TAX PREP!

TAX PEPP! A TAX PEPP!

Hey, guys! It's Brian! What's up?

MONDAY! TAX PREP! MONDAY! TAX PREP! MONDAY! TAX PREP! MONDAY! TAX PREP! MONDAY! TAX PREP! MONDAY! TAX PREP! MONDAY! TAX PREP! MONDAY! TAX PREP! MONDAY! TAX PREP! MONDAY! TAX PREP! MONDAY! TAX PREP! MONDAY! TAX PREP!

Today's beautiful weather reminds me of the Bay Area

CALIFORNIA IS THE BEST!

Motion to Replace TTYL with "TEE TEE WHY ELLE"

Declined.

REGARDING: THE FRESH DIRECT TANGELOS HOT TIP

IT WAS AN EARLY APRIL FOOLS PRANK! THE MINEOLA TANGELOS ACTUALLY SUCK!! YOU WOULD HATE THEM.

I GOT YOU!

I SET UP THAT APRIL FOOL'S TRICK WAY IN ADVANCE, IDIOTS.

JUST KIDDING. THEY REALLY ARE AMAZING. ALSO, IT'S SPELLED: "MINNEOLA" -- DOUBLE GOTCHA!

This has been an online April Fool's celebration.