Can we just create a "He's Been Sucking List"?

Dice-K has been sucking all year for the Red Sox... and now he's suddenly on the disabled list.

Granted some of this is from his shoulder problems and no doubt more of it is from his pitching in the moronic WBC.

(Hey Junior 75 and everyone else who loved that silly exhibition... how often do you think of those games during this season? I think Japan won, right? Or was it Korea? I can't remember... it was THAT MEMORABLE!)

I'm not accusing the Red Sox of pushing him back to the DL simply because he is sucking...

Actually that is EXACTLY what I am saying.

He was cleared to pitch and then threw with all the confidence of Calvin Schraldi.

And the Red Sox aren't the only ones doing this...

Brad Lidge, with Satan now collecting on his bargain, got shuttled off to the DL.

Chien Ming Wang has been horrific with the Yankees... and he's off to the DL.

Before Ortiz got hot again, there were whispers of putting HIM on the DL (and I advocated faking an injury).

In 2008 Joe Borowski was bombing with the Indians when an injury surfaced at just the right time. 

And of course there was the classic fake injury... Phil Hughes last year. No... he didn't suck. It wasn't a mistake to not trade for Johan Santana... he's hurt! Yeah... that's the ticket.

I say let's end the charade.

Give each team one "He's Been Sucking" transaction a year. No need to find an injury or fake one. Just come out and say it. "This is really bad... it would be better for all of us if we just find out what the hell is the matter with this guy."

The guy basically puts the dunce cap on and they can fill his roster spot with someone else.

And there is no limit to how long they can stay on the list. It could be the rest of the season if they suck that badly.

But they can only do it once a year and once the player is off of the "He's Been Sucking List" they can't put him back on. 

They have to figure out what is wrong and they can't shuttle him back and forth.

I'm actually 98% serious about this!

It makes perfect sense to me.

Which is why it will never happen.

Keep doing that Papi... you might pull something

People think I am kidding when I say we need to fake an injury with David Ortiz.

I couldn't be more serious. At this point, if he knicks himself shaving, I want Papi on the 60 Day DL!

Papi on the disabled list I think will start a great domino effect for the Red Sox that could put the Sox in great shape for the long haul.

STEP ONE: 

David Ortiz, one of the great sports heroes in Boston history, is on the 60 Day Disabled List. 

Official reason: 

He had a bad dream last night.

STEP TWO: 

Clay Buchholz (Remember him? Our next ace?) is summoned from Pawtucket where he is 3-0 with a 1.30 ERA.

He is inserted into the rotation.

(I always have to check if it is two C's or two H's!)

STEP THREE: 

Brad Penny is dealt. Yes his 5-1 record looks sexy but his 5.96 ERA and Larry Bowa's rant about his work ethic paint an uglier picture.

However the Sox are in a unique position. His last few starts haven't been bad and it seems like every single team is drooling for pitching.

Peavy is out there (but he's evidently a smidge picky.)

And there is Cliff Lee as well.

Other than those two, who else is really up for grabs? How many people have a pitcher that in 2007 finished third in the Cy Young vote available?

Plus with Peavy not going to an East Coast team, maybe the Red Sox can get the Phillies and Mets scared of each other and pry away a quality minor leaguer.

(Brad Penny is better than Victor Zambrano. I wonder if they have another Scott Kazmir down there!)

STEP FOUR:

Trade for a young position player.

Imagine swiping a good young position player from, say, the Mets. 

Let's say a young third baseman... or a swift outfielder...

Then imagine that player joining the young nucleus with Ellsbury and Pedroia et al.

And then imagine shifting Mike Lowell or J. D. Drew to the DH slot where they can just concentrate on hitting rather than risking injury in the field.

STEP FIVE:

Activate John Smoltz and have him scare the Bejesus out of the young pitchers.

It's always a good thing to have a future Hall of Famer hanging around who was a Cy Young caliber starter AND reliever.

Boom!

You've shored up the rotation, the line up and keep either Drew or Lowell healthy all year.

And all you need is Big Papi to pretend he's hurt!

Come on! The checks will still clear!

That's ONE!

The drought is over for Big Papi.

He now has more home runs this season than Stephen Hawking.

Hopefully that will mean he will be relaxed and quit thinking the weight of all New England is on his shoulders.

I stand by my previous Papi statements.

Not to take away from the euphoria of Papi's blast to centerfield, but I was convinced that Cito Gaston was going to leave poor Brett Cecil in that 5th inning until he gave up a homer to all 9 Red Sox hitters!

But I won't take away from the significance of these two games against the Blue Jays. 

The Jays came in to Fenway on a 4 game winning streak and holding onto first place. They were shut down by two terrific starting pitching performances by Wakefield and Penny and the Sox bats got the hits they needed.

Now the Sox have a 7-0 record against the Yankees and Blue Jays and are doing it with pitching!

Show no mercy. Go for the sweep.

And maybe have Papi double his home run total.

It might be time to implement OPERATION FAKE INJURY!

It's getting really ugly.

It's worse than "Babe Ruth as a Boston Brave" territory.

Even Papi is saying he stinks!

And I will say it...

The Red Sox need to put him on the Disabled List!

But Sully, you say, Papi isn't hurt.

Well to quote Dick Cheney.... so?

Seriously, was Phil Hughes hurt last year when the Yankees put him on the D.L.? I doubt it.

That was a "We were banking on this pitcher and he is stinking up the joint" situation where the Yankees knew that keep throwing him out there was going to kill his confidence (Todd Van Poppel anyone?) but sending him down would mean admitting failure.

So he's hurt! Yeah... that's the ticket.

The Yankees pulled that same stunt with Ching Mien Wang this year. We kept hearing "there's nothing wrong with him physically" and then BANG he's on the DL for a while.

I am convinced the Yankees suddenly found out A-Rod needed surgery once the distractions were piling up and they got wind that the drug testing in the WBC was a wee bit more strict than Bud's.

And it's not just the Yankees... last year the Indians put Joe Borowski on the DL because... well... he stunk.

So come on! Claim that Big Papi has damage in his primary ulnacartal muscle.

Do you know what the primary ulnacartal muscle is?

I didn't think so! I just made it up! But send a camera crew to Mass. General, have an actor wear a doctor's outfit and say that with a straight face!

Seriously, you'd buy it. Mass General is a pretty great hospital and chances are they would know what the primary ulnacartal muscle is and how it is vital for bat speed.

Get one of those bad ass splints for Papi to wear when he is on camera. That will explain everything!

And then here comes the painful part: 

Tell Papi it is over.

The Red Sox need to turn the page. I hinted at this during the off season, but it is time to cut bait. 

If Theo is great at anything it is knowing when the party is over. And this party is oooooover.

I mean let's list what Papi has to gain by leaving now:

- He will be the most loved Red Sox star ever. 

Notice I didn't say the best. But who is more LOVED? And before you say another name, remember fans booed Ted, Yaz and Rice.

And none of them delivered a World Series title, let alone two!

- He is not putting his Hall of Fame Candidacy in danger.

Why? 

Because he isn't going to the Hall of Fame. 

He only had five great seasons. That's not enough. 

Just ask the likes of Dale Murphy and Dave Parker whose Hall of Fame candidacies can't get off of the ground.

- The Manny Factor

I'll say it. Ortiz sees what is happening to Manny and he sees what is going to happen to Manny's legacy.

It will never be the same.

Now David Ortiz has never tested positive for anything. Guess what happens if that primary ulnacartal muscle is frayed and he misses the rest of the season?

He never will test positive for anything.

And his drop in production can be attributed to his primary ulnacartal muscle.

The Red Sox need a DH. Or maybe they can go and find a left handed platoon outfielder with Baldelli and stick J. D. Drew in the DH spot.

Maybe they can have Jonathan Van Every platoon.

Now before anyone rolls their eyes and says "You are replacing David Ortiz with Jonathan Van Every?" just remember... we're not replacing 2003-2007 David Ortiz. We're replacing 2009 David Ortiz... who has fewer homers than Jonathan Van Every!

But the Sox need to put him on the DL now. 

And don't let pesky things like "the truth" or "facts" get in the way!

Wang Hurt

So wait a second...

Chien Ming Wang stunk for three starts and all we heard is "He's not hurt!"

They send him down to Tampa... not on assignment because he'd have to go through waivers to do that... but to check him out.

He throws a bunch of pitches. Everyone says he's healthy.

NOW all of a sudden with the Yankees bullpen a mess, they found an injury.

Doesn't this sound like last years "Phil Hughes isn't a bust... he's hurt" fake injury?

Just a bit?