According to the New York Times, Oliver Perez is telling the Mets he doesn't want to be a reliever.
I think the Mets agree. They don't want him to be a reliever... or a starter... or throw anything resembling a pitch in a game.
But if Perez could make demands to the Mets, I suppose the Mets could make a few demands back to Perez:
- Win infinitely more games in 2011 than he did in 2010. (His 2010 record was 0-5.)
- Try to get his ERA BELOW 6.80. (Set realistic goals.)
- Maybe use some of the $36 million that he will make since 2009 to scout and find a decent pitcher. (Or even just a lousy one would be an improvement.)
- Just throw batting practice. (Lord knows the opposing hitters all improve THEIR swings when Perez pitches.)
- Start every fifth day... for whatever team the Mets are playing that day. (That's got to be 30 wins right there!)
- Stop talking about how "This is how we did it in Pittsburgh!" after EVERY loss. (The Mets losing tradition is much more nuanced.)
- Try playing second base. (How could Perez's infield play be any worse than his pitching?)
- Stay in the headlines to distract the press from anything else that might be embarrassing about the Mets front office and financial dealings. (Not that there IS anything.)
- Use some of that $36 million to develop the technology from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. (The Mets need to erase the memory of Perez's last few years from their brain.)
- Care. (OK, maybe that is asking too much.)
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