Dear One-Eyed Man:

Being a one-eyed man doesn't have to be definitive of your character. You don't have to be a scummy person on a random subway platform making people uncomfortable. You could be peacably reading the paper, occasionally glancing around, all neighborly. Imagine yourself as that type of one-eyed guy... Amicably nodding at the gawkers, meeting their eyes with your brave-yet-humble one, non-verbally reminding them to avert their brazen stare, and to try to consider you an equal in humanity.

But you didn't do that. No, you couldn't. You had to fall victim to your own creepy appearance. You had to go balls out and accentuate it by accumulating a disturbing length to your greasy hair and skulking about, fixing your beady eye on a very exhausted female coming home from another strange night in comedy, trying to think it all out, what it all means. Hey, remember how you did some weird signals with your lips? What were you signaling? That you were an asshole? That you would like to eat me up and not in the good way? Was the lip activity to clarify that the eye and hair-do were not unrelated freak accidents but rather all interconnected elements of your odious persona, freakishly working in tandem to destroy my moment of reverie?

Fair enough, I moved. I looked at you like the fucking freak that you are and I relocated my self to a bench--safely secured between two strapping, Nordic looking fellows, one on either side. I've recently noticed I don't tend to be friends with many blond-haired people, but sitting between a couple of them sure felt safe. Then I slipped back into deep thought. It was my time on the bench, in the night, to chew on some thoughts and ponder and think and grow.

So, at some point my inner animal must have picked up on some whiff of something in the air. Some presence, some void. YOU ARE SITTING TO MY RIGHT. STARING AT ME. When did the Nordic guy get up and go? Where is the Nordic guy.

Congratulations, you officially sealed the deal on being a complete disturbance. WHOO. WHOO. Hats off, Right Eye. You had the Right Eye-dea! You fucking nailed it. You really had a breakthrough tonight. I had one in comedy and you had one in freakery. We both did it.

And you made me feel like I must be a very pretty girl. With that one eye you hunted out my beauty, you saw it with more intensity, fervor, and clarity than many men with full sets of eyes. You couldn't stand to have me out of your sight which is very passionate.

So we both won tonight, bigtime. I want you to know that when I said: "Jesus! Get the fuck away from me" and walked out of the subway station and to a cab, it was more my way of saying: "Wow, we're both onto something...we're peaking, we've hit a breaking point, we've found a new power, a new impact. We're getting better at what we do every day. Keep going with this, don't give up. You're good at what you do."

But I think you understood that.

How to spark a lively conversation in IM

Pique their interest by defining a specific topic of conversation:

This pic makes me think of Shonali

Shows

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Sunday the 30th
I'm going to be doing a Whitest Kids show at Pianos.


Timmy


Sam getting ready to do something illegal with a piece of fruit.

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Monday the 31st
Patrick Borelli hosts "The Grouch Club" at Mo Pitkins.


Someone knows some photoshop and how to do a google image search! That someone is Patrick Borelli.

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Aaaaaaannnnndddd....

Thursday the 3rd
is VARIETY SHAC at Galapagos!


Me, Andrea, some editors



Shonali

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BE THERE, SQUARES.

ONLY TWO MORE DAYS TIL MONDAYYYYY!!!!!

YAY!

YAY! YOU MADE IT TO FRIDAY!

THE WORK WEEK IS OVER! IT'S FRIDAY! HURRAAAAAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAAHHHHH!!!!!!

FRIDAY!

I draw so much power from this Nelly Furtado song

I don't know who wrote the lyrics but that person is truly a feeling spirit and a unique intellect.

(N= Nelly Furtado):


How you doin’ young lady
That feelin’ that you givin’ really drivin' me crazy
You don’t haveta play about the joke
I was at a loss of words first time that we spoke

N: If you looking for a girl that’ll treat you right
If you lookin’ for her in the day time with the light

You might be the type if I play my cards right
I'll find out by the end of the night

N: You expect me to just let you hit it
But will you still respect me if you get it

All I can do is try, gimme one chance
What’s the problem I don’t see no ring on your hand

I be the first to admit it, I’m curious about you, you seem so innocent

N: You wanna get in my world, get lost in it
Boy I’m tired of running, lets walk for a minute

Chorus-
Promiscuous girl
Wherever you are
I’m all alone
And it's you that I want

N: Promiscuous boy
You already know
That I’m all yours
What you waiting for?

Promiscuous girl
You're teasing me
You know what I want
And I got what you need

N: Promiscuous boy
Let's get to the point
Cause we're on a roll
Are you ready?


Verse-
N: Roses are red
Some diamonds are blue
Chivalry is dead
But you're still kinda cute

Hey! I can't keep my mind off you
Where you at, do you mind if I come through

N: I’m out of this world come with me to my planet
Get you on my level do you think that you can handle it?

They call me Thomas
last name Crown
Recognize game
I'm a lay mine's down

N: I'm a big girl I can handle myself
But if I get lonely I’ma need your help
Pay attention to me I don't talk for my health

I want you on my team

N: So does everybody else.

Baby we can keep it on the low
Let your guard down ain’t nobody gotta know
If you with it girl I know a place we can go

N: What kind of girl do you take me for?

Chorus-

Promiscuous girl
Wherever you are
I’m all alone
And it's you that I want

N: Promiscuous boy
You already know
That I’m all yours
What you waiting for?

Promiscuous girl
You're teasing me
You know what I want
And I got what you need

N: Promiscuous boy
Let's get to the point
Cause we're on a roll
Are you ready?

Don't be mad, don't get mean
N: Don't get mad, don't be mean

Hey! Don't be mad, don't get mean
N: Don't get mad, don't be mean

Wait! I don't mean no harm
I can see you with my t-shirt on

I can see you with nothing on
feeling on me before you bring that on

Bring that on

N: You know what I mean

Girl, I’m a freak you shouldn't say those things

I’m only trying to get inside your brain
To see if you can work me the way you say

It's okay, it's alright
I got something that you gon' like

Hey is that the truth or are you talking trash
Is your game M.V.P. like Steve Nash

Chorus-
Promiscuous Girl
Wherever you are
I’m all alone
And its you that I want

N: Promiscuous Boy
I'm calling your name
But you're driving me crazy
The way you're making me wait

Promiscuous Girl
You're teasing me
You know what I want
And I got what you need

N: Promiscuous Boy
We're one in the same
So we don't gotta play games no more

I'll whittle those lyrics down soon, but for now enjoy full-strength. It reminds me of this lifechanger.

I've been sitting tight for hours, Tom, you rat bastard

Now it's time to sleep tight.

Pee Wee clips

Aw... good old Pee Wee...

Serious Documentary about Babies

I made a serious film with Nick Kroll. We were studying babies and very interested to learn more about them and their ways and how they think. What makes a baby tick? What does a baby think about? We infiltrated a settlement and became a part of the very fabric of their lives...the result...follows here (Spanish with subtitles):

If I could be anywhere right now...

letting my troubles melt away...

Wealthy men!

Also known as:

Get an energy efficient AC

Top Brand/Model List

Here's my endorsement: I did it. It's an instantly rewarding expenditure.

I don't have AC

Subsequently, here is the July 17 schedule that my personal assistant has whipped up for me:

10AM-11AM: somewhere other than CP residence.
11AM-2PM: a building or facility with cooled air.
2PM-5PM: an indoor location (not counting CP homestead).
5PM-7PM: couple places, ac'd, undisclosed
7PM-10PM: indoor eatery
10PM-???: a hotel lobby
???-???: riding around on the subway?

She's an idiot and will be fired as soon as my citywide search for a replacement comes to a climactic close.

Oddly, Tony Danza

So, last night in the wee hours me and two friends were playing a game where they'd quiz me over and over on who I'd pick as a lover out of two male celebs. Oddly, Tony Danza kept winning. Repeatedly they'd put me in a bind and Danza would be the logical solution.



Controversial names (often involved in bizarre upsets) were:
Al Gore, Ludacris, Bill Clinton, Hugh Grant, Will Smith, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Usher, Lil Bow Wow, Zach Braff.

Morning after regrets: At some point in this game I believe I picked Zach Braff over Johnny Depp.

In light of recent incredible developments...

I may not be around much anymore. Can't go into it.

Variety Shac...on the horizon...

Hey so no Shac this month (we'll be back Thursday, August 3rd) but look what's a-comin



See Trailer for our Documentary that will be available on our upcoming DVD

Nice Move, Peretti!

When your friends spend 8 or so hours (who's counting??!!) helping you move, the very least you can do is keep the great jokes coming their way.

One way I did this was with some "Moving Box Humor."



I DON'T HAVE AN ATTIC!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAAAAA. WE WERE DYING.

ITALIA!!!!!!

So excited for my homeboys today! I know they went through many deeply painful injuries out there on that field and I am so proud they pushed through the pain, persevered, and emerged victorious.

HURRAH ITALY!!!

ITALY! ITALY! OLIVA GARDEN!!! OLIVA GARDEN!

"I DID-A SOMETHING GOOD-A WITHE MY FOOT-A!"

Whoah, looky who!

Friendster was so quiet...it had to be up to something.

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RELATED:
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MORTICIAN:
Bring out your dead!
Bring out your dead!

[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!

CUSTOMER:
Here's one -- nine pence.

DEAD PERSON:
I'm not dead!

MORTICIAN:
What?

CUSTOMER:
Nothing -- here's your nine pence.

DEAD PERSON:
I'm not dead!

MORTICIAN:
Here -- he says he's not dead!

CUSTOMER:
Yes, he is.

DEAD PERSON:
I'm not!

MORTICIAN:
He isn't.

CUSTOMER:
Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.

DEAD PERSON:
I'm getting better!

CUSTOMER:
No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment.

MORTICIAN:
Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against regulations.

DEAD PERSON:
I don't want to go on the cart!

CUSTOMER:
Oh, don't be such a baby.

MORTICIAN:
I can't take him...

DEAD PERSON:
I feel fine!

CUSTOMER:
Oh, do us a favor...

MORTICIAN:
I can't.

CUSTOMER:
Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He
won't be long.

MORTICIAN:
Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost nine today.

CUSTOMER:
Well, when is your next round?

MORTICIAN:
Thursday.

DEAD PERSON:
I think I'll go for a walk.

CUSTOMER:
You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there something you can do?

DEAD PERSON:
I feel happy... I feel happy.

[whop]

CUSTOMER:
Ah, thanks very much.

MORTICIAN:
Not at all. See you on Thursday.

CUSTOMER:
Right.